HREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 


FREDERICK  S.  ISHAM 


FRENCH5SWNDARD 


LMUEL  FRENCH,  25  West  45th  St.,  New  York 


MRS.  PARTRIDGE  PRESENTS 

Comedy  in  3  aots.  By  Mary  Kennedy  and  Buth  Haw- 
thorne. 6  males,  0  females.  Modern  eoatuines.  2  interiors. 
Plays  2^  hours.  * 

The  characters,  scenes  and  situations  are  thoroughly  tip-to- 
flate  in  this  altogether  delightful  American  comedy.  The  heroine 
is  a  woman  of  tremendous  energy,  who  manages  a  business — as 
fihe  manages  everything — with  gre^t^n access,  and  at  home  pre- 
sides over  the  destinies  of  a  growiu»  son  and  daughter.  Hep 
Struggle  to  give  the  children  the  opportunities  she  herself  had 
missed,  and  the  children's  ultimate  revolt  against  her  well-meant 
management — that  is  the  basis  of  the  plot.  The  son  who  is  cast 
for  the  part  of  artist  and  the  daughter  who  is  to  go  on  the  stage 
offer  numerous  opportunities  for  the  development  of  the  eomio 
possibilities  in  the  theme. 

The  play  is  one  of  the  most  delightful,  yet  thought-provoking 
American  comedies  of  recent  years,  and  is  warmly  recommended 
to  all  amateur  groups.  (Royalty  on  application.)  Price,  75  Cents, 


IN   THE   NEXT  ROOM 

Melodrama  in  3  acts.  By  Eleanor  Robson  and  Harriet 
Ford.  8  males,  3  females.  2  interiors.  Modern  costumea 
Plays  2*4  hours. 

"Philip  Vantine  has  bought  a  rare  copy  of  an  original  Bouta 
cabinet  and  ordered  it  shipped  to  his  New  York  home  from  Paris, 
When  it  arrives  it  is  found  to  be  the  original  itself,  thje  pos- 
session of  which  is  desired  by  many  strange  people.  Before  the 
mystery  concerned  with  the  cabinet's  shipment  can  be  cleared 
up,  two  persons  meet  mysterious  death  fooling  with  it  and  the 
happiness  of  many  otherwise  happy  actors  is  threatened"  (Burns 
Mantle).  A  first-rate  mystery  play,  comprising  all  the  elementi 
Of  suspense,  curiosity,  comedy  and  drama.  "In  the  Next  Room15 
is  quite  easy  to  stage.  It  can  be  unreservedly  recommended  tc> 
Irigh  schools  and  colleges.  (Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.) 

Price,  75  Oenta 


SAMUEL  FRENCH,  ft*  West  46tfc  Street,  New  York  City 
*»w  and  BfcpUrtt  Descriptive  Catalogue  Mailed  Free  on 


Three  Live  Ghosts 

A  COMEDY  IN  THREE  ACTS 

BY 
FREDERIC!    x  ISHAM; 


FORM  112  1OM  CCTIZKN 

Date. 


No 

Please  return  to  Script  Dept. 


1221 


($&^ 

V  ^=5 


Culver  City,  Calif. 


amateur    acting   rights   inust   be   made   to   SAMUEL 
FRENCH,  25  West  45th  Street,  New  York. 


NEW  YORK  i                  LONDON 

SAMUEL  FRENCH  SAMUEL  FRENCH,  LTD. 

PUBLISHER  26  SOUTHAMPTON  STREET 

25  WEST  45TH  STREET  STRAND 


, 


"Three  Live  Ghoste" 

All  Rights  Reserved 

COPYRIGHT,  1918  (IN  NOVEL  FORM)  BY  THE  BOBBS-MERRILL  Go. 
COPYRIGHT,  1018   (UNDER  THE  TITLE  OF  "THE  DAISY  PUSH- 
ERS"), BY  FREDERICK  S.  ISHAM 

COPYRIGHT,  1919  (UNDER  THE  TITLE  OF  "THE  DAISY  PUSH- 
ERS"), BY  MAX  MARGIN 
COPYRIGHT,  1920  (UNDER  THE  TITLE  OF  "THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  ), 

BY  FREDERICK  S.  ISHAM 
COPYRIGHT,  1922,  BY  SAMUEL  FRENCH 


Especial  notice  should  be  taken  that  the  possession  of 
this  book  without  a  valid  contract  for  production  first 
having  been  obtained  from  tks  publisher,  confers  no  right 
or  license  to  professionals  ^T  amateurs  to  produce  the  play 
publicly  or  in  private  for  gam  or  charity. 

In  its  present  form  this  play  is  dedicated  to  the  reading 
public  only,  and  no  performance,  representation,  produc- 
tion, recitation,  or  public  reading,  or  radio  broadcasting 
may  be  given  except  by  special  arrangement  with  Samuel 
French,  25  West  45th  Street,  New  York. 

This  play  may  be  presented  by  amateurs  upon  payment 
of  a  royalty  of  Twenty-Five  Dollars  for  each  performance, 
payable  to  Samuel  French,  25  West  45th  Street,  New 
York,  one  week  before  the  date  when  the  play  is  given. 

Whenever  the  play  is  produced  the  following  notice  must 
appear  on  all  programs,  printing  and  advertising  for  the 
play:  "Produced  by  special  arrangement  with  Samuel 
French  of  New  York" 

Attention  is  called  to  the  penalty  provided  by  law  for 
any  infringement  of  the  author's  rights,  as  follows: 

"SECTION  4966: — Any  person  publicly  performing  or  rep- 
resenting any  dramatic  or  musical  composition  for  which 
copyright  has  been  obtained,  without  the  consent  of  the 
proprietor  of  said  dramatic  or  musical  composition,  or  his 
heirs  and  assigns,  shall  be  liable  for  damages  thereof,  such 
damages,  in  all  cases  to  be  assessed  at  such  sum,  not  less 
than  one  hundred  dollars  for  the  first  and  fifty  dollars  for 
every  subsequent  performance,  as  to  the  court  shall  appear 
to  be  just.  If  the  unlawful  performance  and  representation 
be  wilful  and  for  profit,  such  person  or  persons  shall  be 
guilty  of  a  misdemeanor,  and  upon  conviction  shall  be  im- 
prisoned for  a  period  not  exceeding  one  year." — U.  S. 
Revised  Statutes:  Title  60,  Chap.  3. 


Printed  in  th*  Uniicd  States  of  America  by 
THE  RICHMOND  HILL  RKORP,  RICHMOND  Hru.,  N.  y. 


The  following  is  a  copy  of  the  original  playbill  of  the 
first  performance  of  "Three  Live  Ghosts"  at  the  Green- 
wich Village  Theatre,  New  York  City,  September  aflth, 
1830. 

MAX  MARGIN  ^  %  4 

Presents  -j 

THREE     LIVE     GHOSTS 
A  COMEDY  IN  THREE  ACTS 


FREDERICK  S.  ISHAM 

(From  the  novel  of  the  same  name  by  Frederick  S.  Isham 
published  by  Bobbs-Merrill  Company) 

THE     PLAYERS 
(In  the  order  of  their  first  appearance.) 

MRS.  GUBBINS.  known  as  "Old  Sweetheart  ........ 

Beryl  Mercer 
PEGGY  WOOFERS  .................  Beatrice  Miller 

BOLTON,  of  the  American  Detective  Agency  ....... 

Emmett  Shackelford 
JIMMIE  GIBBONS  ...........  Charles  McNaughton 

WILLIAM  FOSTER,  alias  "William  Jones"  .......... 

Percy  Helton 
SPOOFY  .........................  Cyril  Chadwick 

ROSE  GORDON  ...................  Flora  Sheffield 

BRIGGS,  of  Scotland  Yard  .....  ...  .Charles  Dalton 

BENSON  ........................  Arthur  Metcalf 

LADY  LEICESTER  ............   Mercedes  Desmore 

THE  SCENES 

ACT  I—  Home  of  "Old  Sweetheart." 
ACT  II  —  The  same  the  following  morning. 
ACT  III  —  The  same  a  few  minutes  later. 
Place:  London,  1917. 
3 


r; 


CAST 
(In  the  order  in  which  they  appear.) 

MRS.  GUBBINS.  known  as  "old  sweetheart/' 

Miss  WOOFERS. 

BOLTON,  of  the  American  Detective  Agency, 

JIMMIE  GUBBINS. 

WILLIAM  FOSTER,  alias,  William  Jones. 

SPOOFY. 

ROSE  GORDON. 

BRIGGS,  of  Scotland  Yard. 

BENSON. 

LADY  LEICESTER. 

Two  POLICEMEN. 


Three  Live  Ghosts 

ACT  ONE 

SCENE:  The  action  of  oil  three  acts  takes  place  in 
the  combination  sitting  and  dining  room  in  the 
house  of  MRS.  GUBBINS,  known  as  "Old  Sweet- 
heart," in  the  poorer  quarters  of  London.  The 
room  is  sparsely  furnished  and  contains  a 
shabby  dining  table,  an  open  cupboard  with 
packages,  etc.,  several  dilapidated  chairs  and  a 
mantel  with  a  wheezy  old  clock  and  several 
cheap  ornaments.  An  air  of  squalor  and  drink 
permeates  the  place.  There  is  a  door  up  stage, 
L.,  opening  into  kitchen.  Door  down  stage  L., 
opening  into  bedroom;  door,  R.C.  opening  into 
hall.  Across  hall  can  be  seen  stairway.  Double 
doors  down  stage  R.  opening  into  bedroom. 
Practical  bay  window  L.C.  back,  looking  into 
street. 

TIME  :    The  summer  of  1917. 
PLACE :    London. 

DISCOVERED:  OLD  SWEETHEART  and  Miss  WOOF- 
ERS at  table,  OLD  SWEETHEART  right,  Miss 
WOOFERS  left.  Their  hands  are  on  table,  their 
fingers  touching  as  at  a  spiritual  seance.  The 
kitchen  door  and  door  R.  open.  Slow  curtain. 

OLD   SWEETHEART.     (She  looks  up  and  calls) 
5 


6  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

Jimmie  Gubbins,  your  stepmother  is  callin'  to  you — 
your  sweetheart  is  wytin*  to  'ear  from  you.  Jimmie 
Gubbins,  where  are  you?  (Very  brief  pause.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  The  spirits  don't  seem  to  be  very 
accommodatin'  to-day. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Sometimes  they  are  verry 
obsinate  and  you  got  to  coax  'em.  I'll  try  again. 
(She  looks  up  and  smiles.)  Jimmie  Gubbins,  don't 
you  'ear  me  callin'  you  ?  Wot's  the  matter  with  you 
to-day?  (Hurdy-gurdy  plays  off  stage.)  Good 
'eavens,  'e'll  keep  that  up  all  day,  maybe  if  I  throw 
in  a  penny  'e'll  go  away.  (She  rises,  goes  to  win- 
dow at  back  and  throws  penny.  Hurdy-gurdy  stops. 
OLD  SWEETHEART  goes  down  to  table,  sits,  with  tips 
of  fingers  again  touching  Miss  WOOFERS'.)  Now 
that  the  concert  is  over,  maybe  his  spirit  will  an- 
swer. I'll  try  again.  Jimmie  Gubbins,  where  are 
you? 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Mybe  his  spirits  is  here  and  we 
don't  know  it. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Let's  try  asking  him  a  ques- 
tion. You  ask. 

Miss  WOOFERS.    I  don't  know  what  to  ask  him. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Ask  'im  if  'e's  'appy  over 
there. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Jimmy,  are  you  'appy  over  there? 
(Three  ghostly  raps  outside  Rj 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    That  means  "Yes." 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Was  it  really  'is  spirit? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  can  feel  'im  near  me — verry 
near.  Ask  him  another  question. 

Miss  WOOFERS.    What'll  I  ask  'im  now? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  'ave  'card  that  wot  you  liked 
over  here  you  gets  over  there.  Now,  wot  did  Jimmie 
like  most? 

Miss  WOOFERS.    He  always  liked  his  beer. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Jimmie  Gubbins,  does  you  still 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  7 

get  your  beer?  (Three  raps  at  door  R.)  He  gets 
it.  That's  verry  consoling. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Sounded  to  me  like  sombody  at 
the  door. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    You  go. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Goes  towards  door,  frightened, 
then  to  back  of  table)  It's  your  door. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Oh,  verry  well. 

(OLD  SWEETHEART  goes  to  door,  cautiously  opens 
it.  BOLTON  is  revealed  just  outside  of  door. 
Has  newspaper  in  pocket  with  picture  of  BILL. 
As  BOLTON  slowly  enters,  closes  door,  the  two 
women  move  away,  frightened.  OLD  SWEET- 
HEART to  front  of  table,  R.,  end.) 

BOLTON.    Mrs.  Gubbins 

OLD.  SWEETHEART.    Yes 

BOLTON.  (Coming  down)  The  landlady  told  me 
I'd  find  you  here. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  You  'as.  'Ighly  honored — 
gentleman  from  the  city,  I  tyke  it  ? 

BOLTON.  May  I  speak  with  you  alone?  (Looks 
hard  at  Miss  WOOFERS.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  All  right.  (Exits  C.D.  R.  Closes 
door.) 

BOLTON.  My  name  is  Bolton,  of  the  American 
Detective  Agency. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Oh,  a  detective? 

BOLTON.    Yes. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Won't  you  sit  down  ? 

BOLTON.  Thanks.  (He  sits,  chair  *R.)  Mrs. 
Gubbins,  I  came  to  speak  to  you  of  your  son. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Yes? 

BOLTON.    He  is  dead,  I  believe? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    He  is — I  believe. 

BOLTON.    Aren't  you  positive? 


8  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Verry  positive. 

BOLTON.  What  makes  you  so  positive  that  he's 
dead. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  'Aven't  I  collected  the  life 
insurance  ? 

BOLTON.  He  was  reported  killed  in  action,  wasn't 
he? 

OLD  SWEETHEART,  'e  died  a  'ero — a  martyr  to 
'is  country — 'e  died  a  bryve  soldier  and  the  wye  the 
government  doles  out  the  insurance  money  you'd 
think  'e  died  as  a  favor  to  me.  But  wot  might  be 
your  business  with  my  Jimmie?  (Goes  to  chair  L. 
of  table,  sits.) 

BOLTON.  (Goes  to  front  of  table)  It  doesn't  con- 
cern him,  but  another.  I  am  looking  for  an  Ameri- 
can, Foster  by  name,  whom  I  hoped  to  trace  through 
your  son. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Why  through  'im  ? 

BOLTON.  Because  I  have  reasons  to  believe  he 
enlisted  in  your  son's  regiment.  You  see,  this  Fos- 
ter left  New  York  in  rather  a  hurry. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  They  sometimes  does  leave 
New  York  in  a  hurry. 

BOLTON.  I  believe  he  enlisted  under  the  name  of 
William  Jones.  I  was  hoping  your  son  might  have 
mentioned  William  Jones  in  one  of  his  letters. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Never  heard  the  nyme  be- 
fore! 

BOLTON.  I  have  found  an  American  or  two, 
named  Jones,  but  they  were  not  the  Jones  I  wanted ! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  There  are  a  lot  of  Joneses! 
Very  clever  of  'im  I  call  it,  if  'e  wanted  to  hide, 
tyking  that  nyme. 

BOLTON.  (Looks  about,  crosses  to  L.  Sees  photo 
of  JIM  on  mantel)  This  your  son?  (Compares 
with  picture  in  paper.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Yes,  that's  my  boy 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  9 

BOLTON.  (Crosses  to  OLD  SWEETHEART.  Shows 
her  paper)  There's  a  picture  of  the  young  man  I 
want  to  find. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Oh!  Ayn't  'e  'andsome? 
Wot's  it  sye? 

BOLTON.  (Reads)  "Wanted:  Information  as  to 
whereabouts  of  William  Foster,  of  New  York  City. 
Believed  to  have  enlisted  in  London,  January,  1915, 
under  the  name  of  William  Jones.  (Glancing  at  OLD 
SWEETHEART.,) — 1000  pounds  reward  will  be  paid 
for  said  information." 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    1000  pounds?    (Sighs.) 

BOLTON.  (Glancing  at  JIM'S  picture,  going  back 
of  table)  Now,  Mrs.  Gubbins,  I  want  you  to  look 
among  your  son's  papers  if  you  have  any,  and  see  if 
you  can  help  us  trace  this  man  Foster — (Puts  paper 
on  table.) — or  Jones,  as  he  calls  himself.  It  would 
pay  you  well  if  you  could. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I'll  do  my  verry  best.  And 
if  I  should  find  'im — shall  I  let  them  know  it  at 
Scotland  Yard  ? 

BOLTON.  No,  no,  you'd  better  let  me  know  per- 
sonally. You  see,  they  know  of  the  reward  at  Scot- 
land Yard  and  might  claim  it. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Then  I  shan't  'ave  anything 
to  do  with  Scotland  Yard.  Wot  did  you  sye  your 
name  was? 

BOLTON.  Bolton.  And  should  you  forget  it — 
you'll  find  it — (Picks  up  paper.) — in  the  newspaper. 
The  address  too.  (Puts  paper  down.  Impressively.) 
One  thousand  pounds  reward!  Good  day,  Mrs. 
Bubbins.  (Going  to  C.D.  Rj 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Good  day.  fBoLTON  exits, 
closes  door.)  One  thousand  pounds,  one  thousand 

pounds,  one  thousand  quid (Rises,  goes  to 

closet,  RV  takes  out  bottle  of  gin,  glass  and  deck  of 
old  cards — goes  to  table,  pours  out  drink,  spreads 


io  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

out  cards,  three  piles,  three  at  a  time,  telling  for- 
tune.) To  me  'ouse,  to  me  friends,  to  myself,  to 
myself.  (Drinks.)  One  thousand  pounds —  (Looks 
at  first  pile.)  Spades,  I  'ate  spades.  (Looks  at 
other  piles,  they  are  diamonds.)  King  of  diamonds, 
that's  better — oh!  Something's  going  to  happen, 
something  very  lucky  for  me.  (Pours  drink.  Miss 
WOOFERS  knocks.  OLD  SWEETHEART  drinks  quickly, 
goes  to  closet.)  Somebody  may  want  a  drink.  (Put- 

ting  back  bottle  and  glass.)  Come  in (Enter 

Miss  WOOFERS.  ) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  I  see  the  gent's  gone.  Wot  did 
he  want?  (Goes  to  back  of  table,  picks  up  paper.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Crosses  to  table)  Nothing 
— nothing,  leave  that  paper  alone.  (Takes  cards.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Is  there  anything  particular  in 
the  pyper? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Nothing  particular  at  all. 
(Takes  paper.)  I'm  savin'  it  for  wrapping  some- 
thing in.  (Crosses  to  closet  and  puts  paper  and 
cards  in  it.)  Never  can  tell  when  an  old  newspy- 
per'll  come  in  'andy. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  You  been  telling  your  fortune, 
I  see.  Did  you  learn  anything  from  the  cards? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I'm  to  fall  an  heiress  to  a 
thousand  pounds. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  More  life  insurance?  (Moves  to 
end  of  table.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Goes  to  R.  of  table)  'ardly. 
I  only  'ad  one  step-son  to  give  to  my  king  and 
country. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Shall  we  try  for  more  messages 
from  Jimmie  ? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Yes — I  got  a  very  important 
question  to  arsk  'im.  (They  sit  as  before,  the  tips 
of  their  fingers  touching.  She  looks  up  and  calls.) 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  n 

Jimmie  Gubbins — you  still  hoverin*  near?  Jimmy 
Gubbins,  where  the  hell  are  you? 

JIMMIE.  (Voice  off  stage  Old  Sweetheart!  Old 
Sweetheart ! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.     (Rises)    Dear  Gawd! 

Miss  WOOFERS.     (Rises)    His  voice! 

JIMMIE.    (Offstage)    Peggy,  Peggy! 

Miss  WOOFERS.    (Frightened)   He's  callin'  to  me. 

(Enter  JIMMIE  c.  OLD  SWEETHEART  and  Miss 
WOOFERS  are  scared.  Miss  WOOFERS  gasps  of 
surprise  and  fear.) 

JIMMY.  Old  Sweetheart!  'ello!  I  sye,  'ello! 
(Coming  down  R.j 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    (Timidly)    'Ello. 

JIMMIE.  Wot's  the  matter?  Ayn't  you  glad  to 
see  me? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Verry  glad. 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Ayn't  he  life-like? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    For  a  spirit. 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Syme  voice. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.     Syme  face. 

JIMMIE.  And  the  syme  Jimmy!  (Seizes  OLD 
SWEETHEART  in  his  arms.  Gets  whiff  of  gin  and 
makes  wry  face.)  And  the  syme  smell — gin. 
(Kisses  her,  turns  to  Miss  WOOFERS. )  Come  'ere, 
Peg! 

Miss  WOOFERS.    (Backing  away)    No — no 

JIMMIE.  Wot's  the  matter  with  you?  Come  'ere! 
(Takes  Miss  WOOFERS  in  his  arms.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.    It  feels  like  him. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Crosses  to  him,  puts  hands 
on  him)  Then  it  is  'im.  'E  ayn't  dead — 'E's  come 
back — Jimmie — Jimmie — « —  (Takes  him  in  her 
arms  with  genuine  affection.) 

JIMMIE.    (After  OLD  SWEETHEART  releases  him) 


12  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

Yes,  here  we  are,  all  merry  and  bright  and  every- 
thing. Why,  Mother,  you're  looking  fine.  As  usual, 
soused (Crosses  to  R.J 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Drowin'  of  my  troubles,  dar- 
ling. But  where  'ave  you  been  ?  (Moving  to  R.  end 
of  table.) 

JIMMIE.    Prisoner. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    All  this  time? 

JIMMIE.    Yes,  worse  luck ! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    How  was  you  took? 

JIMMIE.  Gassed.  Surrendered  when  I  didn't 
know  it.  When  I  came  to  I  was  in  a  prison  camp. 
(Hangs  hat  on  rack.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  But  the  government  reported  you 
as  dead. 

JIMMIE.  That's  wot  the  sergeant  said!  (Coming 
down  R.J 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    The  sergeant ? 

JIMMIE.  (Goes  to  chair  R.)  Yes.  When  I  went 
back  to  report  after  having  been  prisoner  a  year  in 
Germany. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Sits  chair  L.  of  table)  Ayn't 
that  awful!  Wot  did  the  sergeant  do  when  you 
told  'im? 

JIMMIE.  Was  I  received  with  open  arms — as  a 
'ero? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Wasn't  you? 

JIMMIE.    Yes,  I  was — not! 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Wot  'appened? 

JIMMIE.  (Sit  chair  R.J  "I've  come  back  to  re- 
port" says  I.  "Me  wot  went  over  the  top  and  was 
took  prisoner."  "Prisoner  is  it?"  says  'e.  "No, 
prisoner  it  was"*£  "You  ain't  escaped.  You  never 
was  took  prisoner." 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Soothingly)  Only  'is  bit  of 
fun! 

JIMMIE.    Fun,  was  it?    "I've  come  back  for  my 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  13 

back  pay,"  says  I.  "Back  pay?  There  ayn't  none. 
Besides,"  he  said,  "y°u  ayn't  got  no  mortal  'ands  to 
tyke  it  with." 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Maybe  'e  was  right,  Jimmie. 
Maybe  you  are  dead  and  you  don't  know  it. 

JIMMIE.  That's  wot  'e  said.  "Government  re- 
ports you  dead."  And,  "dead  you  are (Rises, 

goes  up  stage,  a  little.)  "You're  under  the  ground, 
a-pushin'  up  the  daisies."  Me,  a  daisy  pusher — 
I'd  like  to  push  'im  in  the  eye. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    That  wouldn't  do  no  good. 

JIMMIE.  Wyte  till  I  come  back  to  life.  (OLD 
SWEETHEART  looks  at  JIMMY.,) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    You  can't  come  back  to  life. 

JIMMIE.    Wy  not? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  You'd  be  gettin'  me  into  trou- 
ble. 

JIMMIE.     Trouble  ?    How  ? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  You  got  to  stye  dead.  If  you 
love  me,  stye  dead,  Jimmie.  Please  stye  dead. 

JIMMIE.  (Crosses  to  OLD  SWEETHEART^  You 
know  me,  mother.  I'm  willing  to  be  accommodatin', 
but  wot's  it  all  about? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I've  been  spendin*  the  life 
insurance. 

JIMMIE.    You  mean  you've  collected  on  me? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  You  never  can  collect  life 
insurance  too  quickly,  Jimmie. 

JIMMIE.    'Ave  you  got  all  of  it? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Government  wouldn't  give  it 
all  up  at  once.  There's  another  installment  coming 
and  you  got  to  stye  dead  if  I'm  to  get  it. 

JIMMIE.  (Crosses  fh  back  of  chair  R.  Laughing.) 
It  would  be  a  shyme  to  let  the  government  rob  you 
of  my  life  insurance,  wouldn't  it? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  An*  arter  I've  been  looking 
forward  to  collectin'  the  next  installment ! 


i4  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

JIMMIE.    Yes,  but  wot  about  my  back  pay? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  You  can  come  to  life  when 
the  h'insurance  is  spent  and  draw  your  back  pay. 
And  do  the  government  wot  tried  to  do  you. 

JIMMIE.  (Crosses  to  OLD  SWEETHEART,)  You  do. 
get  ideas,  don't  you?  But  do  I  help  spend  the 
insurance  ? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  We'll  see.  (JiM  looks  in 
purse.)  Til  see.  'Ere's  a  shillin'.  (Takes  coin  from 
her  purse  and  hands  it  to  him.) 

JIMMIE.  (Takes  coin)  Oh,  Blyme,  can  you 
spare  it?  (Spits  on  coin,  throws  it  up  and  catches 
it.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  It  ayn't  any  good  for  you  to 
have  too  much  money.  You  might  spend  it  on 

liquor ( JIM  crosses  R.J  Which  reminds  me — 

(Rises,  going  to  c.  door  R.  Miss  WOOFERS  rises; 
goes  to  front  of  table.) 

JIMMIE.    Time  for  a  drink,  eh? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  'as  a  little  errand.  (At 
door.) 

JIMMIE.    Make  it  a  long  one. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I'll  take  my  time.  (Looks 
knowingly  at  JIMMIE  and  PEG.  Exit  OLD  SWEET- 
HEART, closes  door.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Stands  in  a  posture  of  confused 
bashfulness)  Ayn't  you  got  something1  nice  to  sye 
to  me? 

JIMMIE.  (Eyeing  her  appraisingly;  going  to  her) 
Ayn't  you  been  putting  on  flesh? 

Miss  WOOFERS.     Maybe  a  little  bit,  Jimmie. 

JIMMIE.    Ain't  you  been  worryin'  about  me? 

Miss  WOOFERS.  I've  thought  of  you  every  min- 
ute. 

JIMMIE.    Thinking  so  hard,  you  took  on  flesh. 

Miss  WOOFERS.    I  can't  'elp  it,  Jimmie. 

JIMMIE.    Who  you  been  keepin'  company  with  ? 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  15 

Miss  WOOFERS.  They  ayn't  been  no  one,  Jimmie ! 
You  arsk  me! 

JIMMIE.  (Sternly)  Attention!  (She  straightens 
with  a  look  of  awe.)  Salute !  (She  does.  JIMMIE 
grabs  her.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Oh,  Jimmie,  don't  'ug  so  'ard ! 

JIMMIE.  (Putting  her  out  at  arms'  length)  It's 
all  right.  You  ain't  been  practisin'.  Give  me  a  kiss. 
(She  responds  with  maiden  bashfulness — a  little 
peck.  JIMMIE  surveys  her.)  You  'aven't  improved 
at  all.  (Goes  little  to  R.J 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Wot  you  mean,  Jimmie? 

JIMMIE.     (Loftily)    In  the  h'art  of  h'osculation ! 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Anxiously)  Oh,  Jimmie,  don't 
you  like  my  kisses  ? 

JIMMIE.  (Goes  to  her)  You  call  that  kissin'? 
That's  peckin'.  A  regular  kiss  ayn't  too  short,  and 
it  ayn't  too  long.  It's  sort  of  lingerin* !  (Dreamily.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.    (Anxiously)   'Ow  do  you  know? 

JIMMIE.    Eh? 

Miss  WOOFERS.  You  ayn't  been  practising  'ave 
you? 

JIMMIE.    (Hastily)    Me? 

Miss  WOOFERS.    On  those  French  lydies? 

JIMMIE.  How  could  I?  I  don't  even  know  the 
language ! 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Apparently  re-assured)  That's 
so !  (They  embrace.) 

(Enter  WILLIAM  FOSTER,  alias  WILLIAM  JONES,  an 
American,  followed  by  "SPOOFY."  The  latter 
is  an  Englishman  suffering  from  shell-shock. 
Both  look  starved  and  seedy.  SPOOFY'S  pants 
are  rather  short.  The  American's  (BILL) 
manner  is  somewhat  subdued.) 


16  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

BILL.  Hello,  Jimmie.  (Leaves  door  open,  com- 
ing down  R.J 

JIMMIE.  'Lo,  Bill.  (BILL  down  R.  He  sees  Miss 
WOOFERS  in  JIM'S  arms.) 

BILL.     Beg  pardon 

JIMMIE.  (To  RILL)  It's  all  right,  it's  all  right. 
This  is  me  gal.  Me  regular  gal — w'en  at  home. 
(Introducing  Miss  WOOFERS.^  Peg,  this  is  me 
American  pal,  Bill,  Miss  Peggy  Woofers. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  It's  an  honor (BILL  crosses 

to  PEGGY,  shakes  hands.) 

BILL.    Glad  to  know  you,  Miss  Woofers. 

JIMMIE.  (Indicating  SPOOFY,  who  has  been  wan- 
dering  down  R.  looking  at  room)  This  is  my  other 
pal!  "Spoofy,"  we  calls  him,  because  'e  ayn't  any 
brynes ! 

Miss  WOOFERS.  W'ot  a  sad  affliction!  (Gazing 
at  SPOOFY.,) 

SPOOFY.  (Casing  about)  Wot  a  beautiful  room. 
Rather  short  of  bric-a-brac,  though!  (All  turn 
looking  at  room.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Does  the  poor  man  like  bric-a- 
brac?  (Sympathetically.  SPOOFY  wanders  up  to 
cupboard.) 

JIMMIE.  (Hastily)  Yes;  bric-a-brac  and  other 
things!  But  don't  mind  him.  He  ayn't  exactly 
crazy,  only  bug-'ouse — sufferin'  from  shell-shock ! 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Crosses  to  JIMMIEJ  Shell- 
shock — Is  'e  dangerous? 

JIMMIE.  Not  at  all!  He  'as  one  or  two — harm- 
less little  'abits — that's  all!  f SPOOFY  opens  cup- 
board, takes  out  salt  cellar,  puts  in  pocket.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Oh!  (SPOOFY  comes  down  R. 
stands  looking  out  door  R.)  Wot  did  you  sye  'is 
name  was? 

JIMMIE.    I  don't  know. 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Who  is  'e? 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  17 

JIMMIE.    That's  it— who  the  5cll  is  'e? 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Don't  you  know  ? 

JIMMIE.  I  don't  and  'e  don't.  (Miss  WOOFERS 
turns  to  BILL.) 

BILL.    We  found  him  in  a  prison  camp. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Prison  camp?  (Crosses  BILL  to 
fireplace.) 

JIMMIE.    He  sort  of  annexed  himself. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Quickly)  Well,  I. think  I'll  go 
and  Jelp  ma!  I'm  learning  'ow  to  cook.  ("Miss 
WOOFERS  crosses  to  L.  round  to  c.  door  R.J 

JIMMIE.  (Goes  to  c.  door  R.  With  enthusiasm) 
Wait  a  minute!  Give  us  another  kiss  before  you 

go- 
Miss  WOOFERS.  Before  gentlemen?  Oh,  Jimmie 
Gubbins !  (Bashfully,  exits  c.  door  R.  JIMMIE  goes 
into  hall  with  her,  hear  kissing,  then  he  returns; 
closes  door. 

BILL.  (Crosses  to  chair  L.  of  table.  Laughing) 
Jimmie,  Jimmie.  How'd  you  find  your  mother,  Jim- 
mie? 

JIMMIE.  Fine,  she's  full  of  spirits.  (Crosses  to 
back  of  chair  R.  of  table.  Quickly  to  pals.)  Boys, 
did  you  get  it?  That  back  pay?  I  mean,  of  course 
you  did.  (BILL  shakes  head.  JIMMIE  continues  in 
tone  of  anguish.)  Don't  sye  you  didn't  get  it? 

BILL.  (Shaking  pockets)  Hear  anything  jing- 
ling, Jimmie? 

JIMMIE.    Mybe  it's  in  ten-pun  notes? 

BILL.    (Showing  empty  pockets.)    Not  a  note! 

JIMMIE.    Wot? 

BILL.    All  in  the  same  boat — Officially  dead ! 

JIMMIE.    Not  '5m?    (Pointing  to  SPOOFY.J 

BILL.    Same  thing.    Now  identify  him. 

SPOOFY.  (Who  gazing  out  door  R.  Turns  quick- 
ly) Identify?  Sergeant  asked  me  who  I  was. 


i8  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

Told  him  it  was  none  of  his  bally  business  1  Haw ! 
Haw !  (SPOOFY  sits  chair  R.J  ' 

JIMMIE.  (Fixing  him  with  his  eyes)  You  think 
that  was  a  good  joke?  (Crossing  to  front  chair  R. 
of  table.  To  RILL.)  Well,  here  we  are.  What  are 
we  going  to  do  about  it?  (Sits  chair  R.  of  table.) 

BILL.    Three  ghosts! 

JIMMIE.  Three  live  ghosts! — and  one  of  them 
out  of  commission.  (Looks  towards  SPOOFY.J 

SPOOFY.    I  know  where  it's  hidden. 

JIMMIE.    What? 

SPOOFY.    Money,  jewels. 

JIMMIE.  You  mean  you  'ave  got  some  stuff  hid- 
den in  a  crib? 

SPOOFY.    I  can  go  out  and  get  lots  of  things. 

JTMMIE.    (To  RILL)    I  believe  'e  could. 

SPOOFY.    What  would  you  like  me  to  bring  back  ? 

JIMMIE.     Your  brynes. 

SPOOFY.  Ha !  Ha !  Ha !  (Rises,  goes  into  bay 
window.  BILL  sits  L.  of  table.) 

JIMMIE.  Bli'me  he  gives  me  the  shivers  with  that 
laugh  of  his. 

BILL.  If  we -don't  watch  him  he's  liable  to  come 
back  with  somebody  else's  brains. 

JIMMIE.  Yes,  we've  got  to  take  care  of  him — if 
only  out  of  gratitude  for  the  things  he  swiped  for 
us  while  we  were  starving  our  w'y  through  Germany 
and  Holland.  What  a  wizard  he  was  at  swipin' 
things!  You  know,  I  can't  make  out  whether  he's 
a  retired  parson  or  a  burglar.  fSpooFY  exits  into 
kitchen.) 

BILL.  (Rises)  Well,  I'm  thankful  for  the  clothes 
he  swiped  for  us,  anyway. 

JIMMIE.  He  made  a  mess  of  my  fit.  Look  at 
these  collars  around  the  ankles.  Look  at  the  coat, 
Bill.  How  does  it  *ang?  (Pulls  coat  out  in  front.) 

BILL.    It  hangs  on. 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  19 

JXMMIE.  'Ow's  the  back?  (Crosses  to  left,  BILL 
crosses  R.  JIMMIE  leaves  coat  hang  loose,  bactt  to 
audience.) 

BILL.  You'd  know  it  wasn't  the  front.  (Laughs, 
gazing  around.)  Hello.  There's  Spoofy!  (Goes 
out,  c.  door  R.  into  hall,  looks  about,  looks  upstairs.) 

JIMMIE.  (Goes  to  kitchen  door,  startled)  Now 
wot  you  doing  of  ?  Wot  you  doing  there  ?  (SPOOFY 
comes  out  of  kitchen  looking  around  with  a  happy 
smile.  JIMMIE  ominously)  Wot  you  got  there? 
(Pointing  to  coat  pocket,  bringing  SPOOFY  down  L. 
BILL  comes  down  R.  closing  door.) 

SPOOFY.    (Sweet  smile)    Where? 

JIMMIE.  (Puts  hands  in  Spoofy's  pockets)  In 

there.  Butter-knife,  a  salt  cellar,  nutmeg-grater 

(Draws  these  articles  out  of  SPOOFY^  pockets.) 
Bli'me,  what  you  want  to  swipe  a  nutmeg  grater 
for? 

SPOOFY.  Oh,  I'm  not  particular.  (JIMMIE  throws 
things  into  kitchen.) 

JIMMIE.  (To  SPOOFY,)  Now  listen,  Spoofy ;  we're 
grateful  to  you,  old  man,  for  the  food  and  the 
clothes  you  swiped  for  us ;  God  knows  wot  we'd  'ave 
done  without  you — but  you're  in  England  now  and 
you've  got  to  cut  it  out — understand  ?  Cut  it  all  out. 
No  more  foraging. 

SPOQFY.  But  you  chaps  have  been  good  to  me. 
I'd  like  to  do  something  for  you.  I  could  rob  a 
house  or  two. 

JIMMIE.  (To  RILL)  And  have  us  all  change  our 
names  to  numbers.  That's  a  pretty  idea,  that  is. 

SPOOFY.  But  we're  three  ghosts — the  Govern- 
ment says  so.  Nobody  could  harm  us. 

JIMMIE.  (Crosses  to  front  of  table)  You  get 
pinched  and  see  how  quickly  the  Government'll 
bring  you  back  to  life.  No,  Spoofy,  you  couldn't 
pull  that  alibi  down  at  Scotland  Yard.  (Sits  on 


ao  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

table.  SPOOFY  slowly  wanders  up  to  chair  front  of 
fireplace,  sits  gazing  into  fire.) 

BILL.  (Crosses  to  JIM)  But  there's  no  reason 
why  you  should  be  deprived  of  your  back  pay.  You 
won't  have  any  trouble  proving  you're  very  much 
alive.  Old  Sweetheart  could  identify  you. 

JIMMIE.    I  ain't  so  sure. 

BILL.    Why  not? 

JIMMIE.  She's  been  collecting  the  life  insurance. 
(Crosses  to  L.) 

BILL.    What? 

JIMMIE.    She  might  get  into  trouble. 

BILL.  It's  the  government's  own  fault.  They 
wouldn't  do  anything  to  her. 

JIMMIE.  They'd  make  'er  pye  it  back.  Bli'me, 
they'd  pinch  all  the  'ome.  (Crosses  to  front  of 
table.)  But  how  about  you  William  Jones — It 
shouldn't  be  'ard  for  you  to  come  back  to  life  and 
get  your  back  pye.  You  can  prove  your  identity  by 
some  of  your  American  friends.  (Sits  on  table 
front.) 

BILL.    That's  just  what  I  can't  do. 

JIMMIE.    Why? 

BILL.  If  the  government's  willing  to  call  me  dead, 
it  suits  me.  (Crosses  to  R.) 

JIMMIE.  (Pause,  crosses  to  BILL,)  Was  there 
anything  'appened  before  you  enlisted? 

BILL.  Jimmie,  I  think  it's  only  fair  that  you 
should  know.  I  came  over  here  because  it  was  a 
case  of  get  out  of  the  country  or  jail. 

JIMMIE.  Bli'me  you're  in  'is  class.  (Refers  to 
SPOOFY.J 

BILL.  I  know  what  class  I'll  be  in  if  they  ever 
get  me  back  on  the  other  side. 

JIMMIE.  Bill,  I  don't  know  what  you  did — (Looks 
towards  SPOOFY.,) — and  'e  don't  know  himself  what 
'e  did.  (Crosses  to  front  of  table,  sits  on  it.)  But 
I  do  know  I've  been  travelling  in  funny  company. 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  21 

BILL.  (Crosses  to  him)  That's  what  I'm  leading 
to.  There's  no  reason  for  our  travelling  together 
any  longer. 

JIMMIE.    You  mean — you  want  to  split? 

BILL.    It's  the  best  that  I  go  on  my  own  way  now. 

JIMMIE.  You're  going  straight (Hands  on 

BILL'S  shoulder.) 

BILL.    You  bet,  Jimmie. 

JIMMIE.  That's  fine,  Bill,  and  we're  going  to- 
gether, and  when  we  get  settled  down  'ere,  we'll  get 
ourselves  a  job. 

BILL.    And  in  the  meantime 

JIMMIE.    You'll  stay  right  here. 

BILL.    But  I  can't  sponge  on  you. 

JIMMIE.  You  said  you  were  going  straight,  didn't 
you?  God  knows  it's  pretty  'ard  to  go  straight  on 
an  empty  stomach  and  no  place  to  sleep.  Now  I 
don't  know  what  you  done,  Bill,  but  we've  been 
through  a  whole  lot  together,  and  there's  no  reason 
why  we  shouldn't  stick  a  bit  longer — I'd  feel  a  damn 
sight  easier,  knowin*  you  was  'ere  and  not  in  the 
'ands  of  the  police. 

SPOOFY.  Police?  (Rises,  comes  down  L.  Pause. 
SPOOFY  smiles.) 

JIMMIE.  5E  understands  that.  (Goes  over  to 
SPOOFY.  BILL  crosses  to  R.)  Now  listen,  Spoofy, 
you're  going  to  stay  here,  too.  Me  an'  Bill's  going 
to  look  after  you.  You're  going  to  get  better  some- 
day, and  when  you  do,  you're  going  straight,  too. 
('SPOOFY  whimpers.)  Bli'me,  'e  thinks  I'm  abusin' 
'im.  Now,  wot's  the  matter  with  you  ?  (Enter  OLD 
SWEETHEART  from  c.  door  R.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  just  been  to  the  green 

grocer's (Stops  at  sight  of  JIMMIE'S  pals. 

Looks  hard  at  BILL.  Has  apron  full  of  onions.) 

JIMMIE.     (Crosses  to  OLD  SWEETHEART)     Mo- 


22  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 


ther,  my  American  pal  -  (To  BiLL.J  Bill,  this 
is  my  mother. 

BILL.  (Crosses  to  MRS.  GUBBINS,  shakes  hands) 
Pleased  to  meet  you,  Mrs.  Gubbins.  Jimmie  talked 
of  you  so  much,  we've  sort  of  adopted  you. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I'm  sure  that's  verry  kind. 
(Crosses  to  front  of  table,  taking  large  onion  out 
of  apron.) 

JIMMIE.  (Crosses  to  back  of  table,  eyeing  SPOOFY 
dubiously)  This  is  my  mother,  pal.  Spoofy,  my 
mother. 

SPOOFY.  (Crosses  to  L.C.  ay  OLD  SWEETHEART  is 
about  to  put  onion  on  table,  going  to  her  and  lifting 
hands  to  lip)  My  lady  ! 

JIMMTE.  Mother!  (OLD  SWEETHEART  looks  at 
JIM..)  He's  crazy. 

SPOOFY.  (Kisses  it  again,  drops  it  with  a  graceful 
gesture)  I  can  always  tell  a  perfect  lady.  (Goes  L.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART,  Oh,  he  don't  act  so  crazy  to 
me.  (BILL  R.) 

JIMMIE.  (Laughing)  Ayn't  that  just  like  a 
woman?  (Lying  across  table.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Suddenly  to  ]iu)  Did  I 
'ear  you  sye  your  other  pal  was  an  American  ? 

JIMMIE.    Yes. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Wot's  'is  nyme? 

JIMMIE.    Jones. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Jones!  What's  his  first  name? 

JIMMIE.    William. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  William  Jones.  William 
Jones.  (Repeats  with  great  satisfaction,  chuckling.) 

BILL.     (Laughing)    Bill  —  to  my  friends. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  'opes  we  comes  under  that 
heading.  (Effusively,  crosses  to  BiLL.J 

BILL.    At  the  head  of  the  list,  Mrs.  Gubbins  ! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I'll  get  you  all  something  to 
eat.  (Starts  for  kitchen.) 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  23 

BILL.  Oh,  I'll  forage  around  outside  1  Couldn't 
trouble  you.  (Starts  for  c.  door  Rj 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Quickly)  No,  you  must 
stye. 

BILL.  But  I'm  quite  accustomed  to  foraging 

(Going  to  c.  door  R.J 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Quickly  gets  between  BILL 
and  door)  I  couldn't  let  you  get  away.  (Hastily.) 
Just  a  'umble  little  supper !  (To  JIM.,)  Tripe  and 
onions ! 

JIMMIE.     Tripe  and  onions!     Bill,  you'll  love  it. 

BILL.    All  right,  I'll  stay.     (Hangs  hat  on  rack.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Crossing  to  kitchen)  You'll 
be  sure  he  styes,  Jimmie !  (Earnestly.) 

JIMMIE.     I  won't  let  'im  get  awye,  mother! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  It  won't  be  much  but  you'll 
be  'eartily  welcome !  (At  kitchen  door  to  BiLL.J 

BILL.    Thanks,  Mrs.  Gubbins. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Myke  yourself  at  'ome! 
(Curtsies  to  SPOOFY.  SPOOFY  bows.  To  BILL.,)  I've 
tyken  quite  a  fancy  to  you.  (Exits  into  kitchen  and 
closes  doorf  chuckling.) 

JIMMIE.    'Asn't  she  got  a  kind  'eart? 

BILL.     (Absently)     She  has.     (Coming  down  R.J 

JIMMIE.  Boys.  Wot  do  you  sye  to  a  drink? 
(Getting  off  table.) 

BILL.     (Promptly)    You  said  something,  Jimmie. 

JIMMIE.    I  got  a  shilling. 

SPOOFY.  (Interested)  Where?  (Crossing  quickly 
to  JIM,  grabs  for  coin.) 

JIMMIE.  I'll  'old  it  tight  in  my  'and.  (Eyes 
SPOOFY.  Knock  on  door  C.D.  R .)  Entres ! 

("BILL  greatly  surprised  at  seeing  ROSE.  Enter  ROSE 
GORDON  with  small  parcel  under  her  arm,  a 
hand  painted  bowl.  She  is  pale,  and  not  well, 
but  has  been  attractive  once.  Leaves  door  open.) 


J4  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

ROSE.  (Addressing  JIMMIE,  not  seeing  RILL)  Oh, 
I  brought  this  in  to  show  Mrs.  Gubbins.  (Crosses 
to  back  of  table.) 

JIMMIE.     Mother?    She's  in  the  kitchen. 

ROSE.  Never  mind !  I  won't  disturb  her.  (Starts 
out.) 

BILL.  (Moving  towards  ROSE  involuntarily) 
Rose !  (She  recovers  from  her  surprise,  turns  slow- 
ly and  draws  back.  He  continues  to  look  at  her.) 

JIMMIE.  'Ello!  You  two  seem  to  know  each 
other. 

BILL.    Rather !  fRosE  draws  breath  quickly.) 

JIMMIE.  Kin  da  funny  you  two  meetin'  'ere  like 
this ;  not  the  little  girl  you  told  me  about  ? 

BILL.     Yes,  it  is. 

JIMMIE.  Well,  we'll  be  going.  (Crosses  to  C.D. 
R.J  You  know  where  to  find  us,  Bill,  around  the 
corner.  Come  along,  Spoofy.  (To  SPOOFY,  crosses 
very  slowly.)  Don't  hurry  yourself.  Oh,  come  on. 
("ROSE  puts,  bowl  on  table.) 

SPOOFY.    (Crosses  to  c.  door  Rj    What  for? 

JIMMIE.  Ain't  you  got  no  indiscretion ?  fJiMMiE 
takes  SPOOFY  by  the  arm  and  exits,  c.  door  R.  Closes 
door.) 

ROSE.    Then  you're  not  dead,  after  all  ? 

BILL.  Rose!  How  in  the  world  do  you  happen 
to  be  here?  (Crosses  little  to  L.) 

ROSE.  My  being  here  isn't  the  extraordinary  part 
of  it,  it's  you 

BILL.    Why,  what's  the  matter? 

ROSE.  Why  didn't  you  let  me  know  you  were 
alive  ? 

BILL.  (Crosses  to  R.  of  table)  I  wrote  you  from 
the  trenches ;  didn't  you  receive  my  letter  ? 

ROSE.  Yes,  I  received  it.  But  that  was  before 
you  were  reported  killed.  Why  didn't  you  write 
again? 


THREE  UVE  GHOSTS  as 

BILL.  I  didn't  write  again  because  I  hoped  that 
before  this  time  it  wouldn't  make  any  difference  to 
you  whether  I  was  alive  or  not. 

ROSE.  Oh,  I  see.  I  guess  I  was  just  a  little  fool, 
dreaming  of  my  soldier-boy  sweetheart  going  over 
the  top,  wearing  his  girl's  picture  next  his  heart. 

BILL.  (Takes  photograph  from  his  pocket)  Here's 
where  I  kept  yours. 

ROSE.  (Takes  photo,  reads  inscription)  "From 
your  little  playmate  in  New  York,  whom  you  met 
again  in  London,  and  who  will  wait  for  you — 
through  eternity."  Sounds  kind  of  foolish  now, 
doesn't  it?  (Hands  photo  back — crosses  to  L.  of 
table.) 

BILL.  (Putting  photo  back — crosses  to  L.  of 
table)  It  means  more  to  me  than  you'll  ever  know. 
Why,  you  and  your  mother — they  were  the  only 
familiar  faces  I  saw  when  I  struck  London  before. 
And  now,  the  first  day  I'm  back — to  meet  you  again 
like  this?  (Down  to  front  of  table.)  It  can't  be 
merely  a  coincidence. 

ROSE.    It  isn't.    (Crosses  to  front  of  table.) 

BILL.     What  do  you  mean? 

ROSE.  You'll  be  surprised  to  learn,  I'm  now  earn- 
ing my  own  living. 

BILL.  You  mean  you're  really  selling  these  bowls  ? 
(Crosses  to  front  of  table.  Picks  up  china  bowl.) 

ROSE.  A  deluded  crockery  man  around  the  corner 
occasionally  buys  the  little  masterpiece  that  I  paint. 

BILL.  Is  your  mother  here,  too?  (Puts  bowl 
down.) 

ROSE.    Mother  is  back  in  New  York. 

BILL.    Without  you  ? 

ROSE.  Oh,  conditions  have  changed  since  you  saw 
me  last. 

BILL.    Did  anything  go  wrong  with  the  estate? 

ROSE.  There's  hardly  enough  left  now  for  mother. 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 


I  keep  her  courage  up  by  writing  to  her  how  \ 
I'm  doing  with  my  china  painting !    And  I  send 


well 
her 

little  money  too. 

BILL.  (Crosses  to  R.)  That's  tough.  But,  how 
do  you  happen  to  be  living  in  this  house? 

ROSE.  You  spoke  in  your  letter  of  your  pal,  Jim- 
mie  Gubbins.  I  came  here  hoping  to  hear  of  you 
through  him. 

BILL.  And  youVe  been  living  here  all  this  time  ? 
(Goes  a  little  to  ROSE.,) 

ROSE.  Well,  I  wasn't  so  successful  at  first  with 
my  china  paintings.  I  had  to  find  cheaper  lodgings, 
and  this  is  the  cheapest  place  I  know  of,  so  I  moved 
here. 

BILL.  Rose,  I'm  sorry  you  came  here.  I  had  lots 
of  time  to  think  out  there,  and  I  hoped  you'd  think 
me  dead.  I  was  ashamed  of  myself  for  having 
asked  you  to  marry  me. 

ROSE.    (Looks  at  him  in  surprise)    Ashamed? 

BILL.  I  had  no  right  to  ask  you  to  wait  for  me. 
I  had  no  right  to  ask  any  girl  to  become  my  wife. 
You  never  knew  there  was  another  side  to  me — 
Rose.  I  want  you  to  forget  me.  You're  a  plucky 
little  girl,  and  you're  making  good  on  your  own.  I 
could  only  drag  you  down.  (Turn  to  R.  Enter  Miss 
WOOFERS.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.     (Has  jar  of  preserves  as  she 

enters)     Maw  sent  up  this  jar  of  preserves 

(Sees  ROSE  and  BILL.)     I  beg  your  pardon. 

BILL.  Mrs.  Gubbins  is  in  there.  (Crosses  to  R. 
Motion  to  kitchen.  ROSE  goes  to  chair  L.  of  table.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Going  to  back  of  table)  Maw's 
still  wyhting  for  the  rent,  Miss  Gordon. 

BILL.    The  rent? 

ROSE.  (Looks  at  BILL.  To  PEG)  I'm  just  going 
out  to  get  it.  I  merely  stopped  in  to  ask  Mrs.  Gub- 
bins for  a  piece  of  paper  to  wrap  this  bowl  in. 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  27 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Maw  has  been  wyting  three 
weeks.  Maw  says  you're  not  to  come  back  to-night, 
without  the  rent. 

BILL.  (To  PEG,  crosses  to  table)  You  mean 
your  mother  would  put  Miss  Gordon  out  into  the 
street? 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Not  if  she  consulted  'er  feelings, 
but  you  cawn't  in  the  lodging  'ouse  business.  (To 
ROSE.)  It's  not  like  running  a  'alms  'ouse  or  a 
'ospital.  (RosE  crosses  to  table,  picks  up  bowl.) 

BILL.  I'll  wrap  it  up  for  you.  (BILL  takes  bowl, 
looks  around  for  a  sheet  of  paper.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Mrs.  Gubbins  keeps  'er  old  news- 
paper fer  wrapping  in  the  cupboard,  over  there. 
(Indicates  cupboard.) 

BILL.  Thank  you.  (BILL  goes  to  cupboard,  gets 
newspaper  left  by  BOLTON;  as  he's  wrapping  up 
bowl.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Mrs.  Gubbins?  (Sizing  ROSE 
up  when  BILL  is  about  finished  wrapping  bowl.) 
Mrs.  Gubbins?  (Starts  to  kitchen.  ROSE  crosses  to 
BILL.  OLD  SWEETHEART  appears  at  kitchen  door.) 
Ma  sent  this  up 

BILL.    I'll  go  with  you.    (They  start  for  C.D.  Rj 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  That's  verry  kind  of  your 
maw.  (Sees  Miss  GORDON.J  Oh,  you  here,  Miss 
Gordon?  (Crosses  to  BILL  and  ROSE,  gets  between 
them,  in  front  door.) 

BILL.  We  were  just  going  out  together.  (Miss 
WOOFERS  goes  to  back  of  table.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Oh,  you  cawn't  go  out.  (To 
ROSE.J  You  cawn't  tyke  him  away  from  'ere.  'E's 
my  guest. 

BILL.    I'll  be  back  shortly. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  cawn't  let  you  out  of  the 
'ouse. 

BILL.    Why  not? 


38  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  You  promised  to  stye  for 
supper,  and  I'm  cooking  it  with  me  own  'ands. 

ROSE.  There's  no  need  of  his  going.  It's  only 
around  the  corner. 

BILL.    But 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  'as  first  clime  as  'is  'ostess. 
You  drop  in  and  'ave  a  little  bite  with  us,  too,  Miss 
Gordon. 

ROSE.  You're  very  kind;  but  I  mustn't  trouble 
you. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Opens  door,  helps  ROSE  out 
c.  door  R.J  No  trouble  at  all. 

ROSE.    Thank  you,  I  will.     (Exits  c.  door  R.J 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  This  will  be  a  verry  merry 
occasion.  (Closing  door.  BILL  goes  down  stage  a 
little  )  Poor  soul.  I  don't  think  she  gets  enough 
to  eat.  (Leaning  against  the  doorway.) 

BILL.  You  mean  that  she  actually  goes  hungry? 
(Starts  towards  door — OLD  SWEETHEART  puts  hand 
on  knob.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  China-pynting  ay  n't  very  pay- 
ing. Maw  says  when  she  first  moved  in,  all  she 
lived  on  was  bread  and  butter  and  jam.  Maw  said, 
'er  was  afraid  'er  would  die  on  'er  'ands. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  That  would  'ave  been  verry 
expensive  for  your  maw.  (BILL  sits  on  table  by 
cupboard.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Yes.  Maw  says  it's  always  best 
to  get  them  out  before  they  die.  It's  not  so  much 
wot  they  owe;  it's  the  h'mcidentals  afterwards. 
Well,  I  must  go  into  the  kitchen  and  'elp  out  with 
the  dinner.  (Crosses  to  kitchen.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    You  might  cut  up  the  tripe. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  All  right (Exit  into  kitchen, 

closes  door.  BILL  crosses  left  to  fireplace.) 

BILL.  How  long  has  Miss  Gordon  been  living 
here? 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  39 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Crosses  left  a  little)  Oh, 
interested  in  'er  already?  Not  that  I  blyme  you. 
She's  too  good  looking  by  'arf  not  to  'ave  a  sweet- 
heart. 

BILL.  (Turning  to  OLD  SWEETHEART,)  She  has 
no  callers,  then  ?  (Sits  at  fireplace,  looking  at  ROSE'S 
picture.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Not  'at  I  knows  of.  (Goes  to 
lamp,  business  of  fixing  it.  Sits  chair  by  lamp.) 

(Enter  c.  door  R.  JIMMIE  and  SPOOFY.     JIMMIE 
singing.    SPOOFY  closes  door.) 

JIMMIE.  Hello,  Mother.  Dinner  ready?  (Hangs 
up  hat,  crosses  table  c.  SPOOFY  down  Rj 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  It  will  be.  Miss  Woofers  is 
in  the  kitchen. 

JIMMIE.  (OLD  SWEETHEART  on  platform.  JIM- 
MIE rubbing  hands.)  Oh,  fine.  Getting  'er  'and  in! 
'Ope  it  will  be  better  than  the  beer.  There  wasn't 
a  kick  in  a  barrel  of  it. 

SPOOFY.    The  water  was  beautiful. 

JIMMIE.     (Disgusted)     Water? 

SPOOFY.    And  out  of  a  clean  glass.    (Blissfully.), 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Rises)  Speaking  of  water  ? 
If  the  gentlemen  would  like  to  wash  their  'ands 

SPOOFY.  (Puzzled,  crosses  to  JIMMIE,)  Wash, 
wash? 

JIMMIE.  (Tapping  him  on  the  shoulder)  Yes, 
you're  in  England  now.  Where  the  bawth's  a  na- 
tional h'institution.  (To  BILL,  crosses  to  Bi 
of  chair.)  Bill !  Thank  'eaveij  the  bartf 
down.  (BILL  doesn't  laugh.  JIMMIE 
puzzled.)  I  said  thank  'eaven  the  ban 
down. 

BILL.    I  heard  you.    (Rises.) 


30  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

JIMMIE.  (EiLL  crosses  to  door  Rj  Go  in  my 
little  room  over  there. 

BILL.    All  right,  come  on,  Spoofy. 

JIMMIE.  And,  Bill,  see  that  Spoofy  don't  pinch 
the  soap.  (BiLL  and  SPOOFY  exit  R.  door.  BILL 
closes  door.  JIMMIE  sits  at  fireplace,  as  he  lights 
cigarette.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (To  JIMMIE,  watching  them 
off.  Then  crosses  R.j  Jimmie,  we're  rich.  (Crosses 
back  to  R.  of  table.) 

JIMMIE.    Eh?    Meanin'  the  h'insurance? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  No,  better  than  that,  Jimmie. 
One  thousand  pounds. 

JIMMIE.    Eh?    What  for? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Rewards  for  —  'irn.  (Point- 
ing to  room  where  SPOOFY  and  BILL  have  gone.) 

JIMMIE.    For  'im? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    I  mean  for  us  —  for  'im  - 

JIMMIE.    What  the  'ell  do  you  mean  —  for  us  for 


OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  mean  for  'is  'ead  —  'is  per- 
son —  the  h'apprehendin'  of  him. 

JIMMIE.     (Bewildered)    Who?    Spoofy? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  No,  the  American.  'E's 
wanted  - 

JIMMIE.  What  for?  (Rises,  crosses  to  front  of 
table.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Coming  down  a  little)  Be- 
cause Vs  a  criminal  —  a  desperate  character  - 

JIMMIE.    Wot  rot! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  It's  the  truth,  Jimmie. 
(Crosses  to  JIM  in  front  of  table.)  I  seen  it  in  the 
pyper  —  with  'is  picture  —  a  living  likeness  —  you 
couldn't  be  mistaken,  Jimmie.  It  was  brought  me  by 
a  genfleman  who  arsked  all  about  'im  —  William 
Jones,  wot  enlisted  the  syme  time  you  did  —  'e's 


"\ 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  >i 

wanted  bad — the  gent  will  give  a  thousand  pounds 
for  information. 

JIMMIE.    Wot's  'e  wanted  for? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  don't  know,  Jimmie,  but 
something  desperate.  Murder,  most  likely! 

JIMMIE.    Don't  talk  silly!     (Laughs.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  It's  no  larfm'  matter,  Jimmie. 
Didn't  the  gentleman  read  me  the  article,  and  show 
me  'is  picture. 

JIMMIE.  It's  my  opinion  it's  the  'ot  gin  that's 
talkin'! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  'Ot  gin!  (With  a  shriek.) 
And  me 'ardly  a  tystin' of  it !  fJiMMiE  sniffs.)  Be- 
sides, it  wasn't  'ot.  I  took  it  cold.  (Crosses  to 
chair  R.) 

JIMMIE.    Syme  thing! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Whimpering)  'E  sat  right 
there,  Jimmie.  (Pointing  to  chair  R.)  I  can  see  'im 
now — and  I  can  prove  it  to  you.  Jimmie,  by  the 
newspaper.  You'd  'ave  to  be  believin'  them.  And 
it's  our  duty  to  be  turnin'  'im  over. 

JIMMIE.  (With  a  sneer)  Duty  be  'anged !  (Goes 
up  L.  to  back  of  chair.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Wouldn't  you  be  up'oldin' 
the  laws  of  the  country,  Jimmie  ? 

JIMMIE.  The  laws  be  'anged,  too — if  they  wants 
to  'ang  my  pal.  (Defiantly.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  But  if  we  don't  give  'im  up, 
it  would  be  compoundin'  a  felony — And  I  'opes  I 
'as  brought  you  up  to  be  a  law-abidin*  citizen,  Jim- 
mie? 

JIMMIE.  (Crosses  to  OLD  SWEETHEARTJ  You 
ayn't  goin*  to  give  up  my  pal — not  for  100,000 
pounds ! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Jimmie,  you  would  be  cheatin' 
me — your  own  step-mother? 

JIMMIE.    Yes,  I  would. 


I 


y  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Loudly)  Then  you  shan't! 
I  won't  let  you.  I'll  give  'im  up  myself!  That  I 
will! 

JIMMIE.  Not  while  I'm  'ere  to  prevent  it!  (Sits 
on  table  back  to  audience.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    We'll  see ! 

JIMMIE.  We  will.  You're  welcome  to  the  insur- 
ance money,  but  when  it  comes  to  givin'  hup  a  pal, 
I  draws  a  line 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    But  'e  ayn't  no  pal  of  mine! 

JIMMIE.  I  should  'ope  not!  I'd  'ate  to  think 
what  would  'appen  to  a  pal  of  yours. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (With  much  dignity)  I 
'opes  my  feelings  for  the  law  would  rise  above  hul- 
terior  motives. 

JIMMIE?  (Crosses  to  door  c.  Calls  BILL.  Cross- 
ing back  to  foot  of  table.  OLD  SWEETHEART  goes 
to  chair  R.  BILL  enters,  crosses  to  JIMMIE.  To 
BILLJ  Beat  it ! 

BILL.    What? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (To  BILL,)  Don't  you  do  it! 
You  stye  to  supper.  (Wheedling.)  » 

BILL.  I  had  already  made  up  my  mind,  Mrs. 
Gubbins,  to  accept  your  hospitality.  (OLD  SWEET- 
HEART contented  sigh.) 

JIMMIE.  Then  get  it  out  of  your  'ead.  It  won't 
be  'ospitality!  At  least,  not  wot  I'd  call  genuine 
'ospitality. 

BILL.    What  do  you  mean? 

JIMMIE.    They're  arter  you. 

BILL.  Police?  fJIMMIE  nods.)  I'm  not  sur- 
prised. 

JIMMIE.    Better  go,  while  the  goin's  good! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  But  'e's  'ungry!  W'y  should 
'e  'urry?  (Eagerly.) 

JIMMIE.    But  'e  might  eat  something  that  didn't 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  *« 

agree  with  'im!     Tyke  my  advice (Indicates 

door.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  But  'e  shan't!  (Goes  quickly 
to  c.  door  Rj 

JIMMIE.  (Catches  her)  Get  away  from  that 
door.  Get  away  from  that  door.  (Throwing  OLD 
SWEETHEART  to  Lj 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Tyke  your  'ands  arf ! 

JIMMIE.    Oh,  I  wouldn't  'art  you! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  'E  mustn't  go!  I'll  scream. 
("BILL  gets  hat,  goes  c.  door  R.j 

JIMMIE.  God  knows  I'd  'ate  to  lay  my  'ands  on 
you,  but  they're  not  goin'  to  take  'im. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (To  JIMMIED  There's  a 
thousand  pounds  reward,  and  I  means  to  'ave  it. 

BILL.  (About  to  exit)  A  thousand  pounds  re- 
ward— on  me  ?  (Closes  door.  Down  to  R.  Back  of 
chair.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    To  which  I  am  justly  entitled. 

JIMMIE.  (Crosses  to  BILL,)  Don't  mind  wot  she 
says.  She  ayn't  near  as  greedy  as  she  makes  out 
she  is.  Now  you  run  along — she  ayn't  going  to  stop 
you. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Over  JIM'S  shoulder)  Yes, 
I  am.  ( JIMMIE  looks  at  her.) 

BILL.  (To  front)  That  won't  be  necessary,  Mrs 
Gubbins.  (Turns  to  JIM.,)  I'm  going  to  stay  right 
here. 

JIMMIE.    And  wyte  to  be  took? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Wye  not?  Ayn't  it  better  to 
be  took  wyting  than  to  be  caught  running? 

BILL.    I'm  goin'  to  give  myself  up. 

JIMMIE.  That  ayn't  wot  you  said  when  we  was 
in  the  shell-holes,  together.  You  didn't  get  cold 
feet  then.  At  the  sight  of  about  forty  'uns  chargin ! 
"Ply  the  game" — that's  wot  you  said.  And  we  (}id — 
till  we  couldn't  ply  it  any  longer. 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

C*ILL.  This  is  different — not  that  kind  of  a  game 
— and  Fve  no  right  to  drag  you  into  it. 

JIMMIE.  Oh,  I  ayn't  particular — a  fight's  a  fight 
--to  'ell  with  wot  it's  about. 

BILL.  (To  JiMj  No,  my  mind's  made  up.  (To 
front.)  I'm  going  to  surrender. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Who  has  been  listening  with 
much  approval.)  Jimmie!  You  listen  to  'im  and 
you  won't  go  wrong. 

BILL.  (To  front)  Thanks,  Mrs.  Gubbins.  (To 
JIMMIED  And  Jimmie,  you  listen  to  your  mother. 

JIMMIE.  (Pause)  Oh!  Well,  it  ayn't  no  funeral 
of  mine. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  It  ayn't  no  funeral — it's  the 
law 

JIMMIE.  (Nasty  tone)  All  of  a  sudden  you  got 
law  on  the  bryne. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Right's  right,  Jimmie,  and  as 
General  Booth  used  to  sye,  "I  refuse  to  compromis- 
ing with  the  devil." 

JIMMIE.  (To  BILLJ  A  little  while  ago  you  said 
you  were  going  to  fight  it  out  here.  Wot  myde  you 
change  your  mind  so  suddenly  ? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (To  JIM.,)  You  'eard  wot  'e 
said.  Are  you  tryin'  to  talk  'm  out  of  hit  again? 
f  JIM,  disgusted,  goes  to  window.) 

BILL.  (Crosses  to  OLD  SWEETHEART )  Don't  be 
afraid,  Mrs.  Gubbins.  Nobody  is  going  to  talk  me 
out  of  it. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    That's  right.    Be  firm. 

BILL.  I'm  perfectly  willing  to  let  you  give  me 
\\p  and  get  the  money. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  knew  I  was  going  to  like 
you. 

BILL.  But  there's  something  I'm  going  to  aak 
you,  Mrs.  Gubbins, 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Eh? 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  35 

BILL.    I  want  half  the  reward. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  'Alf  my  reward  1  You  asks 
me  to  give  you  'alf  of  my  reward?  Impossible! 
Couldn't  be  done! 

BILL.    It's  better  to  take  half  than  get  nothing. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  It's  the  first  time  I  ever  'eard 
of  a  desperate  criminal  clyming  'alf  'is  own  reward. 

BILL.  I'm  not  asking  this  for  myself.  There's  a 
little  girl  upstairs  that's  up  against  it — I  want  to 
do  something  for  her. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Outraged)  'Alf  my  reward 
to  'er?  (Sarcastically.)  Oh,  I  like  that!  That's 
even  worse! 

BILL.  I'm  not  going  to  argue  about  it,  Mrs.  Gub- 
bins.  Either  you  agree  to  turn  over  half  the  money 
to  Miss  Gordon,  or  you'll  never  give  me  up. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  It's  robbery!  Plain  'ighwys 
robbery !  I  won't  submit  to  it ! 

BILL.  Very  well,  then,  good-bye.  (Going  to  c. 
door  R.^  Good-bye,  Jimmie ! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Quickly  crosses  to  c.  door  R. 
Stops  BILL.J  Wyte!  Wyte!  If  you  insist  on  Miss 
Gordon  cheating  me  out  of  'alf  my  reward,  she  shall 
'ave  it.  fBiLL  closes  door.) 

JIMMIE.  (To  BILL  coming  down  c.)  You  don't 
think  that  little  girl  would  touch  any  of  that  money, 
do  you? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    I  'ope  not ! 

BILL.  (Crosses  to  JIMMIED  I  want  her  to  get  it 
so  she  doesn't  know  where  it  comes  from. 

JIMMIE.    'Ow  do  you  think  you  can  manage  that? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Coming  down  R.J  I  'ave  it. 
Hi'll  pye  it  over  to  'er  in  h'installments.  Hi'll  leave 
it  in  Jer  room,  a  shillin'  a  week. 

BILL.  Look  here,  Jimmie.  I'm  going  to  ask  you 
to  do  me  one  last  favor.  There  isn't  time  now  to 
figure  things  out.  I  want  you  to  promise  me  to  get 


36  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

uilf  that  reward  from  your  mother  and  get  it  to 
Miss  Gordon  somehow.  Will  you  do  that  for  me, 
Jimmie  ? 

JIMMIE.  No.  I  can't  stop  you  from  giving  your- 
self h'up ;  but  none  of  that  money  will  pass  through 
my  'ands.  And  that's  final,  Bill.  (Turns  L.) 

BILL.  I  understand  the  way  you  feel  about  it, 
Jimmie.  But  I'm  going  through,  and  I  know  you 
well  enough  to  feel  that  when  that  reward  is  paid 
over  you'll  see  that  Miss  Gordon  gets  her  share  of  it. 
(To  OLD  SWEETHEART,  crosses  to  R.j  Come  on, 
Mrs.  Gubbins.  Where  do  we  go  for  that  reward? 
Scotland  Yard? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Quickly)  Oh,  no,  you 
mustn't  go  there,  they'd  be  claiming  it.  It's  the 
police  in  America,  wot's  offering  it,  and  we  'ave  to 
go  to  the  gentleman  wot  was  'ere. 

BILL.    Who  was  he? 

OLD  SWEETHEART,  'E  'ad  a  bowler  'at  and  nice 
eyes.  And  *e  was  most  particular  about  comin'  to 
'hn  if  I  'eard (Bows.) 

BILL.    What's  his  name  ? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    I  forgot. 

BILL.    What  was  his  address. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  can't  remember — it's  in  the 

pyper!  That  I  put  here (Crosses  to  closet, 

looking.)  Why,  where  is  it  ?  I'm  sure  I  put  it  there. 
I — I  saved  it  especially.  (In  agitated  tones.)  It 
seems  gone !  (With  consternation.) 

JIMMIE.  You  mean  the  pyper  with  reward  in  it 
is  gone  ? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Almost  beside  herself)  Yes. 
Somebody  stole  it. 

JIMMIE.  And  you  don't  know  the  nyme  of  the 
man  wot  brought  it? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    No. 

JIMMIE.    (To  front)    Now,  ayn't  that  lucky. 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  37 


OLD  SWEETHEART,    Lucky- 


BILL.  Do  you  mean  that  old  newspaper  that  was 
in  the  cupboard? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  That's  it  Do  you  know 
what's  become  of  it? 

BILL.    Yes.    I  took  it. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Crosses  to  BILL,)  You? 
You  got  no  right  to  it.  It's  my  pyper  and  I  wants 
it. 

BILL.    I'm  sorry — I  haven't  got  it. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Wot  did  you  do  with  it? 

BILL.  I  wrapped  it  around  a  piece  of  china  that 
Miss  Gordon  was  taking  out  to  sell. 

JIMMIE.    Did  you  know  what  it  was? 

BILL.    No.    (Crosses  to  JIMMIE.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  You  sye  Miss  Gordon  took  It 
away  with  'er  ?  (Follows  BILL.) 

BILL.    Yes. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Where  did  she  tyke  it  to? 

BILL.    I  don't  know. 

JIMMIE.    'Ow  long  'as  she  been  gone? 

BILL.    Only  a  few  minutes. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Hi'll  find  'er.  (Starts  for  the 
c.  door  R.  BILL  crosses  R.)  There  ayn't  nobody 
goin'  to  tyke  my  reward  from  me. 

JIMMIE.  (Catches  OLD  SWEETHEART  at  door, 
bringing  her  to  chair  L.  of  table)  Sit  down. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    I  don't  want  to  sit  down. 

JIMMIE.    Sit  down. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    I  won't  sit  down.    (Sits.) 

JIMMIE.  You  ayn't  goin'  to  give  'im  up,  and  you 
ayn't  goin'  to  touch  no  reward.  Make  up  your  mind 
to  that. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Hi  never  changes  my  mind. 
(Rises.) 

JIMMIE.    Sit  down 


38  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Enters  from  kitchen)  Dinner's 
ready. 

JIMMIE.  Bill,  go  and  call  Spoofy.  fBiLL  exits 

door  R.J  Lay  the  table,  Peg ("Miss  WOOFERS 

exit  kitchen.  JIMMIE  crosses  to  R.  of  table;  as  he  is 
doing  so  OLD  SWEETHEART  grumbles  to  herself, 
about  to  sit.  BILL  enters  door  Rj 

BILL.    Jimmy,  Spoofy's  gone. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  See,  and  her  one's  gone. 
(Rises,  sneaks  off,  c.  door  R.) 

JIMMIE.    What  do  you  mean? 

BILL.  The  window  was  open,  he  must  have  gone 
that  way. 

JIMMIE.    Blyme 

BILL.  We  can't  let  him  wander  around  loose. 
fMiss  WOOFERS  enters  from  kitchen  with  tray  of 
dishes,  etc.) 

JIMMIE.  It's  up  to  us  to  find  him.  Come  on, 
quick.  CJiMMiE  and  BILL  go  to  c.  door  R,  Get  hats 
off  rack.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Jimmie 

JIMMIE.    Hello. 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Where  are  you  going? 

JIMMIE.    To  find  Spoofy. 

Miss  WOOFERS.    What  about  the  tripe  ?/ 

JIMMIE.  Damn  the  tripe.  (Exit  JIMMIE,  BILL, 
c.  door  "Si.) 

CURTAIN 


ACT  TWO 

SCENE:    Same  as  Act  One. 
TIME  :    The  following  morning. 

DISCOVERED:  OLD  SWEETHEART  seated  on  a  chair 
near  the  open  door  leading  into  the  hall.  She  is 
tired  and  sleepy  and  looks  as  if  she  had  been 
sitting  there  all  night.  BILL  is  standing  near  the 
window,  the  panes  of  which  are  thick  with  fog. 
JIMMIE  is  at  breakfast  table,  finishing  break- 
fast. The  other  two  have  either  eaten  or  don't 
care  to  eat.  .  .  .  JIMMIE'S  coat  on  back  of  chair 
head  of  table. 

JIMMIE.    (Stuffing  himself — to  BILL.)    Fog  lift- 
in'? 

BILL.    (At  window)    No. 

JIMMIE.     Gives  me  the  shivers! 

BILL.    We  should  have  known  better  than  to  leave 
him  in  that  room  alone. 

JIMMIE.    Who  the  'ell  would  expect  'im  to  jump 
out  of  the  window? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Oh,  'e  was  a  nut!    But,  'er, 
going  out  with  the  china-bowl  and  not  comin'  back ! 

JIMMIE.    I'm  thinking  of  Spoofy,  poor  old  chap! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    An'  I'm  thinkin'  of  the  news- 
pyper,  wot  she  took  an'  'asn't  brought  back. 

JIMMIE.    Maybe  they've  got  'im  in  a  hospital  and 
are  cutting  'im  up.     (Bus.  with  knife.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.     Maybe  she  fell  off  the  em- 
bankment— and  the  newspyper's  drowned. 

39 


40  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

BILL.    Oh,  they'll  both  turn  up  all  right— I  liope. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  'Oping  don't  get  you  nowhere. 

JIMMIE.  (Fork  in  air,  mouth  full  of  food)  Well, 
it  don't  cost  you  nothin'  to  'ope. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Mournfully)  A  thousand 
pounds  lost ! 

JIMMIE.    Oh!    Forget  it! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    But  I  can't! 

BILL.    Don't  be  cross  with  her. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Tyke  example  of  'im !  (Miss 
WOOFERS  starts  from  upstairs.) 

JIMMIE.  'Im?  'E'd  be  shaken  'ands  with  the 
'angman!  (Enter  Miss  WOOFERS  with  the  morning 
paper  and  tray,  crosses  to  table  upper  R.  end.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  'Ere,  Jimmie,  'ere's  the  mornin' 
pyper. 

JIMMIE.    (Takes  paper)    Thanks! 

Miss  WOOFERS.  'Ave  you  'card  anything  from 
Jim? 

BILL.    Not  a  word. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Mournfully)  It  ayn't  wot's 
'appened  to  'im.  It's  wot's  'appened  to  'er. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Crosses  R.  to  OLD  SWEETHEART) 
Ma  says  that  young  lady,  Miss  Gordon,  didn't  come 
'ome  all  night.  Ma  was  wytin'  for  the  rent. 

BILL.  (To  PEG)  Probably  she  didn't  have  the 
money.  If  anything  has  happened  to  her,  your 
mother  is  to  blame. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (To  BILL)  Ma  says  she  would- 
n't wonder  if  it  wasn't  the  first  time  she  styde  o1^ 
all  night. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  It  wouldn't  'ave  been  so  bad 
if  she  'adn't  taken  the  newspyper. 

JIMMIE.  Yes ;  that's  what  made  it  worse!  Fancy 
stying  out  all  night,  with  a  newspyper.  (Drinks  out 
of  saucer.) 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  41 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Your  ma  should  be  more 
careful !  Didn't  she  'ave  references  when  she  came 
'ere? 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Goes  to  front  of  table.  Sepa- 
rates breakfast  things)  I'll  take  the  breakfast  things. 
(Puts  white  dishes  on  tray.  OLD  SWEETHEART  goes 
to  R.  of  table,  picks  up  small  cream  pitcher.)  That 
belongs  to  ma.  (Takes  cream  pitcher  from  OLD 
SWEETHEART.^ 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Loftily)  I  ayn't  tryin'  to 
keep  it. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Ma's  particular  to  get  things 
back.  (Crosses  to  c.  door  Rj 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Huffed)  So  I  'ave  noticed. 
(Has  white  sugar  bowl.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (To  OLD  SWEETHEART,)  So  kind 
of  you  to  'elp.  (Exit  c.  door  R.  Goes  upstairs.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Loftily,  still  huffed  by  the 
imputation  she  wished  to  appropriate  the  cream 
pitcher)  Don't  mention  it.  (Goes  to  door  with 
sugar  bowl,  looking  back  to  few  things  left  on  table.) 
Those  belong  in  my  kitchen. 

BILL.    I'll  attend  to  them.     (Going  to  table.) 

(OLD  SWEETHEART  exits  door  leading  into  hall  and 
upstairs,  leaves  door  open.  BILL  starts  for 
kitchen  with  dishes.  JIMMIE  looks  at  paper, 
sings.) 

JIMMIE.  "He  took  her  by  the  lily  white  'and, 
He  kissed  her  cheeks  and  chin ;  He  waited  till  the 
tide  came  in  (Up)  and  gently  pushed  her  in." 
(Gives  exclamation.)  Bill,  I  sye,  Bill ! 

BILL  (At  kitchen  door4)  Eh?  What  is  it? 
(Enters,  bringing  tray,  closes  door.  BILL  to  back  of 
table,  puts  dishes  on  tray  during  conversation.) 


42  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

JIMMIE.  (Indicating  paper)  Look  at  this.  (BiLL 
mechanically  looks  over  paper.) 

BILL.  (Reading)  "Kidnapping — Burglary — Rob- 
bery— Kensington  Gardens " 

JIMMIE.     (Shaking  head)     It's  very  strange! 

BILL.    What's  strange? 

JIMMIE.  'E  disappears  and  look  wot  'appens. 
(Tapping  paper.) 

BILL.    Oh,  robberies  happen  every  day. 

JIMMIE.  But,  this  ayn't  no  ordinary  robbery! 
It's  a  big  affair.  7  'as  a  'unch  they  ayn't  nobody 
but  Spoof y  could  pull  off  a  job  like  this !  'Im  with 
'is  'ead  for  crime! 

BILL.    (Uneasily)    Nonsense ! 

JIMMIE.  Kensington  Gardens?  Wasn't  it  there 
'e  wanted  to  turn  into  a  'ouse? 

BILL.  I  don't  know.  He  wanted  to  turn  into  so 
many  houses,  I  couldn't  keep  track  of  them. 

JIMMIE.    Wot  else  does  it  sye? 

BILL.  (Reading)  "A  liberal  reward  will  be 
offered." 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Outside  by  stairs)  All  right, 
Miss  Woofers !  (Leaves  door  open.) 

JIMMIE.  "Reward" — 'ide  it!  (Hurriedly  hides 
paper  as  OLD  SWEETHEART  enters  c.  door  R.,  crosses 
to  L.  of  table.  JIMMIE  puts  on  coat,  crosses  R.  BILL 
up  to  window.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Looking  about)  Anything 
in  the  morning  pyper  ? 

JIMMIE.  (Hastily  shoving  paper  in  pocket)  Not 
a  thing. 

BILL.    No  news. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Not  like  that  other  news- 
pyper !  I  almost  'ad  it  on  the  tip  of  me  tongue,  the 
name  of  the  man  wot  brought  it ! 

JIMMIE.      (During   following    conversation   OLD 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  43 

SWEETHEART  and  JIMMIE  clear  the  table  of  every- 
thing) You  did? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Yes ;  it  began  with  a  "B." 

JIMMIE.  (Hastily)  Beans?  That's  it— Mr. 
Beans ! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.     It  had  two  syllables. 

JIMMIE.    Baked  beans! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  That  wasn't  it.  (Removes 
table  cloth.) 

JIMMIE.    Don't  worry  and  don't  think  too  'ard — 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I'm  too  tired  to  think.  (Exit 
OLD  SWEETHEART  in  kitchen  with  breakfast  things. 
BILL  opens  door  for  her,  then  closes  it.) 

JIMMIE.  (Crosses,  sits  chair  R.,  pause)  Bill!  It's 
up  to  us  to  see  nothing  'appens  to  Spoofy. 

BILL.  (Crosses  to  him)  Of  course!  But  the 
problem  is  to  find  him. 

JIMMIE.     (Hopefully)     Mybe,  'e'll  find  us. 

BILL.  Let  me  hope  so.  (Thoughtfully  crosses  to 
table,  sits  on  R.  side.)  I  have  heard  that  those  who 
suffer  from  shell-shock  sometimes  get  back  to  nor- 
mal if  they  receive  another  shock.  In  that  case,  he 
might  forget  to  hunt  us  up. 

JIMMIE.  Let  us  pray  'e  styes  barmy.  'E  was  so 
'appy  without  'is  brynes!  Why,  it  would  break  'is 
heart  to  be  shoved  in  jail. 

BILL.    I'm  still  hoping  he  didn't  do  this. 

JIMMIE.  Oh !  It's  a  safe  bet.  Look  what  a  night 
it  was  for  a  crime — fog  thick  as  pea-soup.  Why,  I 
can  just  see  him  now,  jumpin'  out  the  window, 
creeping  along  stealthily  like,  smiling  as  'e  picks  out 
some  place  to  rob. 

BILL.  The  crockery  man  said  Miss  Gordon  hadn't 
been  there.  I  wonder  what  could  have  happened  to 
her.  (Coming  to  front  of  table.) 

JIMMIE.  Oh!  She  could  have  been  in  a  dozen 
places. 


44  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

(Ou)    SWEETHEART    enters    from    kitchen,    closes 
door.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Very  happy,  smiling)  I  'as 
an  idea.  (Coming  down  L.) 

JIMMIE.    Then  something's  sure  to  'appen. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  knows  how'to  get  back  the 
pyper. 

JIMMIE.    How?    fBiLL  up  L.  to  back  of  table.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    We'll  offer  a  reward  for  it. 

JIMMIE.    Another  reward! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Crosses  to  R. — to  JIMMIE.,) 
I'll  offer  'arf  a  crown  for  an  old  newspyper  that 
only  costs  a  penny.  fRosE  passes  the  open  door 
toward  stairs,  sees  BILL — starts  upstairs.  OLD 
SWEETHEART  sees  her.)  'Ere  she  is !  Miss  Gordon ! 
(Rushes  to  door  and  seizes  ROSE.)  Now  I  don't  'ave 
to  waste  'arf  a  crown  for  it.  Come  in — you  must 
come  in — I  won't  tyke  "no"  for  an  answer.  (Leads 
her  down  R.  BILL  places  chair  for  her  from  R.  of 
table.  He  stays  c.)  My,  you  do  look  tired !  fRosE 
sits.  OLD  SWEETHEART  on  R.  of  ROSE.  Sharply.) 
Wot  'as  become  of  hit? 

ROSE.    It? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    The  newspyper. 

ROSE.    Newspaper? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  The  bit  of  china  was  wrapped 
in? 

JIMMIE.  Don't  tell  her,  Miss.  It's  none  of  her 
business. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  It  was  my  pyper.  Stolen 
hout  of  this  'ouse,  and  I  demands  to  know  wot's 
become  of  hit. 

ROSE.  If  you  mean  the  piece  of  paper  the  china 
bowl  was  wrapped  in — I  had  bad  luck  with  it. 

BILL.    Bad  luck? 

ROSE.    I  slipped  and  broke  the  bowl. 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  45 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  That  was  very  bad  luck.  But 
it  ayn't  so  much  wot's  'appened  to  the  bowl.  Hit's 
wot's  become  of  the  newspyper. 

ROSE.    I  left  it  with  the  pieces. 

f Miss  WOOFERS  starts  from  upstairs.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Where  was  that? 
ROSE.    In  front  of  the  little  tobacco  shop  this  side 
of  Twichenham  Court  Road. 

(Enter  Miss  WOOFERS — stays  up  back.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Did  you  leave  it  on  the  pave- 
ment? 

ROSE.  I  pushed  the  lot  with  my  feet  into  the 
street. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Into  the  street?  Oh,  my 
'eart!  ("OLD  SWEETHEART  staggers.  JIMMIE 
catches  her.) 

JIMMIE.    It's  gone.     (Makes  faces  at  her.) 

ROSE.  (Quietly  studying  her)  Is  anything  the 
matter,  Mrs.  Gubbins? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Wailing)  Wot  could  have 
become  of  hit  since? 

ROSE.  Really — -  (Looks  at  BILL — looks  away.) 
I'm  afraid  I  can't  tell  you.  Gone  the  way  of  all 
broken  things,  I  suppose. 

BILL.    (Low)    I'm  sorry. 

ROSE.  Are  you?  (Steals  look  $t  him.)  Well, 
most  of  my  little  capital  went  into  it.  (She  says  this 
as  if  it  didn't  matter.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Coming  down,  crosses  to  L.  of 
ROSE)  Then  you  didn't  bring  back  the  rent? 

ROSE.    (In  a  tired  voice,  head  down)    No. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  ayn't  worryin'  about  that. 
You're  sure  you  didn't  bring  back  the  newspyper? 


46  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

ROSE.    What  use  would  it  be  to  me? 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Ma  said  she'd  like  the  room. 

JTMMIE.    I  sye! 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Under  the  circumstances,  you've 
'avin'  been  hout  all  night. 

ROSE.    (Quietly)    I  believe  I  was  out  all  night. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Ma  syes — (Virtuously.) — no 
young  unmarried  female — — 

JIMMIE.    (Rises)    Wot  the  'ell  you  mean! 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Oh,  Jimmie!  (Crosses  to  table 
L.  quickly.) 

ROSE.  (Rises  ta  back  of  chair)  She's  quite  right. 

A  young  unmarried  female (Looks  at  BILL, 

who  gazes  away  uneasily.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Ma — says — it's  immortal — highly 
shocking — and  it  is!  Ma  says  turn  her  out.  Ma's 
right.  After  all,  what  does  it  matter?  (Exits  c. 
door  R.  Leaves  door  open.) 

BILL.  (Quickly  goes  to  door  c.  door  R.)  Rose ! 
(Coming  down.)  That  gets  rid  of  two  of  us! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Eh? 

BILL.    If  she  goes,  I  go! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  *(In  consternation)  But  you 
cawn't  go!  (Crosses  to  BILL.,) 

JIMMIE.     (Challengingly)    W'y  not? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (To  BILL,)  We  gentlemen 
would  cheat  a  porr  widow  hout  of  a  thousand 
pounds  reward. 

BILL.  When  Miss  Gordon  leaves  this  house,  I  go, 
too! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Quickly)  Then  she  shan't 
go!  (Crosses  to  Miss  WOOFERS  who  has  entered. 
BILL  goes  R.  to  JIMMIED  After  all,  there  might  not 
be  no  'arm  styeing  out  all  night.  She  might  'ave 
been  engaged  on  some  errand  of  mercy  like  'ospital 
nursing!  You  run  along.  I'll  fix  it  with  your  maw. 
so  she  can  stye!  (Miss  WOOFERS  exits  c.  door  R. 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  47 

To  BiLL.J  Mrs.  Woofers  will  tyke  my  word  for 
'er,  knowin*  I'd  be  that  particular  vouching  for  any- 
one. Besides,  somebody  worse  might  move  in. 
(Exit  c.  door  R.  and  upstairs.  Leaves  door  open.) 

JIMMIE.  (Crosses  L.,  places  chair  at  table,  sits  on 
table  front.  BILL  sits  chair  R.)  You  think  a  lot  of 
that  little  girl,  don't  you? 

BILL.    Yes,  Jimmie. 

JIMMIE.    Tell  me,  Bill,  what's  the  matter? 

BILL.    Oh,  I've  been  a  fool. 

JIMMIE.  Bly'me,  you'd  have  been  lonesome  if 
you  hadn't.  You  want  to  marry  her  ? 

BILL.    I  did. 

JIMMIE.  Why  don't  you  ask  her  again?  Lots 
more  girls  than  men  'ere  now. 

BILL.    That  wouldn't  make  any  difference. 

JIMMIE.  All  the  difference  in  the  world.  Now 
the  girls  just  jump  at  your  'ead.  Bly'me,  this  is  a 
'appy  country.  'Ave  you  'ad  a  bit  of  trouble  with 
'er? 

BILL.    What  makes  you  think  that? 

JIMMIE.  Where  there's  girls,  there's  generally 
trouble,  especially  when  they  runs  around  and  stops 
out  all  night. 

BILL.    Jimmie!     (Rises  quickly.    Pause.) 

JIMMIE.  (Crosses  to  BILL.  BILL  goes  to  ]iu) 
I'm  sorry,  Bill.  I  didn't  mean  to  be  funny.  Why 
don't  you  two  go  awye  together 

BILL.  No,  Jimmie.  (Looks  towards  door  leading 
Into  hall.)  She's  pretty  nearly  down  and  out — that's 
plain  enough.  Five  hundred  pounds  would  be  a 
godsend  to  her,  Jimmie.  (Crosses  to  L.)  We've 
got  to  make  sure  that  reward  doesn't  get  away  from 
her. 

(Enter  OLD  SWEETHEART  coming  dawn  R.) 


48  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (To  BILL)  It**  all  right.  I 
fixed  it  up  so  she  can  stye. 

BILL.  Good !  I  hope  you  can  induce  Miss  Gor- 
don to  stay. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Five  'undred  pounds  ought  to 
be  h'inducement  enough. 

("Miss  WOOFERS  enters  hall,  from  upstairs.) 

BILL.  Don't  you  understand?  She  must  never 
know  where  the  money  comes  from. 

JIMMIE.    Leave  it  to  'er  not  to  tell. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Excitedly;  in  the  hall)  *E's 
coming!  'E's  coming! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Who?  The  gentleman  with 
the  bowler  'at?  (Goes  to  c.  door  R.  and  into  hall.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.     No.     Spoofy!     (Comes  in.) 

JIMMIE.  Spoofy!  Good!  (Goes  up  to  c.  door 
R.  BILL  follows.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Who  has  looked  down  the 
stairs.)  My  God,  wot's  'e  bringin'  with  'im !  (Comes 
back  into  room.  They  line  up  expectantly.) 

(Enter  SPOOFY,  with  aristocratic  perambulator  and 
baby  in  it.  Balloons  are  fastened  to  the  peram- 
bulator, with  silly  smile  and  vacuous  expression, 
SPOOFY  wears  a  stunning  shiny,  high  silk  hat; 
pauses  with  perambulator  down  stage  and  sur- 
veys it  with  a  rapt  expression.  BILL  closes  door 
c.  D.  R.  All  follow  SPOOFY  down  stage.  BILL 
crosses  to  L.  JIMMIE  on  L.  of  SPOOFY.) 

SPOOFY.  (Wiping  perspiration  off  face.)  I've 
got  back. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Peering  into  perambulator) 
Wot  a  beautiful  baby!  ("R.  of  baby  carriage.  Miss 
R.  of  OLD  SWEETHEART.) 


ON 


O 

O 


H 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  49 

SPOOFY.  (Proudly)  Jolly  littla  chap.  Took  to 
me  right  away. 

JIMMIE.    I  should  sye  you  took  'im! 

SPOOFY.    For  a  little  airing ! 

JIMMIE.    At  what  time? 

SPOOFY.    Midnight  or  thereabouts. 

BILL.    Where'd  you  get  it? 

SPOOFY.     Nursery. 

BILL.    Whose — where  ? 

SPOOFY.    I've  forgotten. 

BILL.     (Earnestly)    Try  to  think. 

SPOOFY.  (Helplessly)  Can't.  I  didn't  steal  it. 
(Eagerly.) 

JIMMIE.    No? 

SPOOFY.    He  asked  to  be  taken  out ! 

JIMMIE.  (Making  funny  sound)  In  wot  lang- 
widge  ? 

SPOOFY.    He  crowed. 

JIMMIE.    To  be  taken  for  an  airing — at  midnight? 

SPOOFY.  Yes.  And  he  put  out  his  little  arms— 
so (Extends  long  arms  with  silly  smile.) 

JIMMIE.  (Surveying  him)  Oh!  (Crosses  to  L. 
and  upstage.) 

BILL.  (Crosses  to  SPOOFYJ  This  is  serious  busi- 
ness. Now,  Spoofy,  I  want  you  to  listen  to  me. 

SPOOFY.  (Plaintively)  Are  you  going  to  be  cross 
with  me? 

BILL.  (Sternly)  How  did  you  get  into  the  house  ? 
Where  was  the  house  ? 

JIMMIE.    What  kind  of  a  'ouse  was  it? 

SPOOFY.  A  big  house !  (Brightening.)  I  remem- 
ber that,  because  the  baby  looked  so  small  and  lone- 
some in  it. 

BILL.  (Impatiently)  You  got  in!  How  did  you 
get  out? 

SPOOFY.  Side  entrance.  Very  quiet!  (Fingers 
on  lips.)  Little  chap  seemed  to  know. 


So  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

JIMMIE.    'Elpin'  at  'is  own  kidnappin' ! 

SPOOFY.  (Confidently)  I  thought  he'd  make  a 
nice  little  pal  for  Jimmie.  (JiMMiE,  with  gesture  of 
disgust,  turns  away  and  upstage.) 

BILL.  (To  SPOOFY j  Well,  you  got  out.  What 
did  you  do  then? 

SPOOFY.     (Happy  smile)     We  perambulated! 

BILL.    All  night? 

SPOOFY.  Oh,  no.  We  camped  out  later — in  the 
park. 

JIMMIE.    In  the  park? 

SPOOFY.    Yes !    Some  Lung  seemed  to  enjoy  it ! 

JIMMIE.  Some  Lung!  (Crosses  to  baby,  looks 
baby  over.)  What  you  got,  a  Chinese  baby  ? 

SPOOFY.  I  call  him  Some  Lung  on  account  of  his 
beautiful  voice! 

JIMMIE.  (Ominously)  I'm  glad  'e  'ad  a  good 
time. 

SPOOFY.  Oh,  the  jolliest  time!  In  the  morning 
a  great  big  woolly  sheep  came  up.  (Looks  between 
JIMMIE  and  BiLL.J  Some  Lung  wanted  to  play  with 
him.  I  tried  to  bring  it  along. 

JIMMIE.    A  sheep! 

SPOOFY.  Yes,  but  it  butted !  So  we  bought  a  few 
other  things.  (Takes  Jumping  Jack  out  of  carriage.) 
I  tried  to  buy  a  monkey,  but  the  man  wouldn't  sell 
that. 

JIMMIE.  (Shaking  head)  You  don't  need  a  mon- 
key. 

BILL.    What  were  you  going  to  buy  it  with? 

SPOOFY.  (Surprised;  puts  Jumping  Jack  back) 
Money. 

JIMMIE.    You  had  some  money? 

SPOOFY.  Of  course.  I've  got  plenty  of  money. 
(Takes  out  English  notes — wads  of  bills  ) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  My  Gawd!  'E's  robbed  the 
Bank  of  England ! 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  51 

BILL.  (To  SFOOFYJ  Whart  did  you  tak«  that 
money  from? 

SPOOFY.    The  safe. 

JIMMIE.    How? 

SPOOFY.    Just  helped  myself. 

JIMMIE.  Oh!  Just  like  that — so  simple.  (Busi- 
ness.) 

BILL.    You  opened  the  safe? 

SPOOFY.    Naturally. 

JIMMIE.    I  should  sye,  unnaturally. 

BILL.    Is  that  money  all  you  took  from  the  safe  ? 

SPOOFY.  (Smiling)  Oh,  no.  I  shoves  a  few 
knick-knacks  into  my  pocket.  (Takes  jewels  out  of 
right  hand  pocket  and  gives  them  to  OLD  SWEET- 
HEART.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Taking  jewels)  Ayn't  they 
beautiful ! 

SPOOFY.  Here's  some  more!  (Takes  diamond 
broach  from  his  left  hand  pocket  and  gives  it  to  OLD 
SWEETHEART.^ 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Takes  jewels  from  SPOOFY ) 
I  wonder  wot  Vd  bring  back  if — 'e  went  out  again? 
(Putting  jewels  in  her  apron  pocket;  to  PEG)  I  'as 
always  dreamed  of  wearing  diamonds! 

BILL.    This  is  serious  business. 

JIMMIE.  (To  OLD  SWEETHEART,)  Mother!  Give 
them  back  to  him. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Tossing  her  head)  Ther 
verry  idea! 

SPOOFY.  (Intervening  with  yawn)  Let  her  have 
them! 

JIMMIE.  (Disgusted)  What  do  you  think  of 
that? 

SPOOFY.  I'm  getting  tired.  Feel  sleepy.  Believe 
I  could  do  with  a  nap. 

BILL.    Yes,  you've  earned  a  rest 

SPOOFY.    Where's  that  bed? 


5^  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

Ou>  SWEETHEART.  Right  thi«  wye.  It  tyn*t  a 

vcrry  comfortable  bed fMiss.  WOOFERS  up  R. 

Points  SPOOFY  to  door  R.  Exit  SPOOFY.^ 

JIMMIE.  Maybe  more  comfortable  than  the  one 
he's  likely  to  get. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Crossing  to  door  R.,)  If  he 
'as  any  more  jewels  in  'is  pockets,  I  think  'e'll  sleep 
much  better  without  them.  (Exits  door  R.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Goes  to  the  baby  carriage)  Real 
lace! 

JIMMIE.  Peggy,  you  come  awye !  (Takes  her  up 
a  little.)  This  ayn't  no  place  for  you.  Run  along 
upstairs  and  if  anybody  arsks  you  any  questions, 
you  don't  know  nothing.  Understand?  Be  careful 
what  you  sye.  There's  going  to  be  some  trouble 
down  here,  and  they  ayn't  no  use  of  you  gettin'  into 
it. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  But  I  don't  want  to  run  upstairs. 
Hit's  so  nice  and  hexcitin'  down  here. 

JIMMIE.  (Crosses  to  RILL)  Ayn't  that  just  like 
a  woman?  (Disgusted.)  If  there's  anything  going 
on  she  wants  to  poke  'er  nose  in  it.  (Crosses  to 
Miss  WOOFERS.^  Will  you  do  as  you're  told?  Go 
on  upstairs  and  keep  your  big  mouth  shut. 

Miss  WOOFERS.  Oh,  all  right !  (Exit  c.  door  R. 
and  upstairs.  JIMMIE  closes  door,  comes  down  c. 
to  baby  carriage.) 

BILL.  (Crosses  to  JIMMIE)  Perhaps  he'll  remem- 
ber more  when  he  wakes  up. 

JIMMIE.    I  'as  my  doubts. 

BILL.  I  think  we  know  pretty  well  where  he  got 
them,  anyhow. 

JIMMIE.    Didn't  I  sye  so? 

BILL.  Yes,  you  called  the  turn.  I  wonder  how 
he  escaped  the  police  ? 

JIMMIE.  Oh !  Just  crazy  man's  luck !  Besides, 
look  how  thick  the  fog  was. 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  53 

(Enter  OLD  SWEETHEART  door  R.    Closes  door.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Look  wot  I  found  in  'is  boots ! 
(Displays  string  of  pearls.  JIM M IE  groans.) 

JIMMIE.    'E  gave  you  that,  too? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  'E's  the  most  kind-'earted 
gentleman  I  ever  met.  (Puts  string  of  pearls  around 
neck.) 

BILL.  He'd  give  anything  away.  (Goes  up  L.  to 
head  of  table.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Now  I've  got  'im  sleeping  so 
peacefully,  I'll  'ave  a  look  at  the  little  dear.  (Crosses 
to  perambulator.) 

JIMMIE.  (Sits  on  table,  bitterly)  "Little  dear" — 
'E  ayn't  even  worryin' ! 

BILL.    (Gravely)    There  are  those  that  are! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (To  baby,  frivolously)  Goo- 
goo! 

JIMMTE.    Aw!    Shut  up! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Don't  you  love  bybies,  Jim- 
mie? 

JIMMIE.    No. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  You  was  such  a  sweet  baby 
yourself.  Give  me  a  nice  fat  baby  and  a  bottle  of 
gin,  and  I'm  'appy !  (Looks  at  baby.)  'Ow  I  shall 
love  it !  (Takes  baby  out  of  carriage.) 

JIMMIE.  She  talks  as  if  she  was  goin'  to  keep 
it  too. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    (Tranquilly)    Why  not? 

JIMMIE.     Wot  about  the  real  mother? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Calmly)  Oh!  She  can  get 
'erself  some  more !  Goo-goo !  Goo-goo !  (Bus.  with 
baby.  OLD  SWEETHEART  looks  around  startled,  then 
quickly  exits  down  L.  with  baby.  BILL  laughs  L.C. 
JI^IMIE  takes  carriage  off  stage,  re-enter  JIMMIE, 
closes  door  Lj 

JIMMIE.    (Crosses  to  BILL)    This  is  no  laughing 


54  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

matter.  You  know  you  get  a  lifer  under  the  English 
law  for  kidnappin'. 

BILL.    Oh,  he  didn't  know  what  he  was  doing ! 

JIMMIE.  But  we  ayn't  cryzy.  We  can't  make 
that  excuse. 

BILL.    What  did  we  have  to  do  with  it? 

JIMMIE.  And  we're  'arborin'  the  kid  and  the 
jewels.  If  they  found  them  'ere,  remember,  we'll 
all  go  h'up. 

BILL.    That's  right. 

JIMMIE.  (Crosses  L.  a  little  beyond  table,  looking 
toward  door  L.)  And  another  thing.  There's  an- 
other worrying  'erself  to  death  over  that  kid — and 
that  mother  ain't  goin'  to  worry  a  moment  longer  if 
I  can  'elp  it.  (Crosses  to  R.  Sits  on  table.) 

BILL.  (Crosses  to  JIMMIED  Yes,  we've  got  to  get 
it  back.  Fortunately  we  have  the  address.  Ken- 
sington Gardens.  What's  the  matter? 

JIMMIE.     (Looks  at  paper)    413. 

BILL.    Well,  I'll  take  it  back.    (Starts  to  door  L.) 

JIMMIE.    (Stops  him)    No ;  that's  my  job. 

BILL.    You'd  risk  being  nabbed. 

JIMMIE.    To  'ell  with  the  risk! 

BILL.  It  won't  do.  I  owe  that  much  to  poor  old 
Spoofy.  Besides  if  I  get  pinched  it  won't  so  much 
matter.  I'm  wanted  anyway. 

JIMMIE.  I'll  tyke  the  baby;  leave  hit  at  the  side 
door,  ring  the  bell,  and  scoot  like  'ell !  If  I'm  lucky. 
I'll  get  awye  in  the  fog!  If  I'm  took,  I  tells  a 
straight  yarn,  and  throws  myself  on  the  mercy  of 
the  court.  Meanwhile  you  maykes  your  get-awyel 
H'out  of  the  country. 

BILL.  No,  Jimmie,  you're  clean  and  I  might  as 
well  be  sent  up  for  this  as  what  I  did  on  the  other 
side. 

JIMMIE.  No,  Bill,  you  can't  take  a  chance  of  be- 
ing nabbed.  It  ayn't  so  much  for  me  or  yourself  or 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  55 

Spoof  y  —  there's  somebody  else  you've  got  to  think 
of  !  That  poor  little  girl  upstairs,  wot's  going  to 
become  of  her? 

BILL.  (Sadly)  Yes  —  what  is  going  to  become  of 
her?  (Crosses  to  R.  a  little.) 

JIMMIE.  (Crosses  to  BILLJ  Inside  of  jail  you 
couldn't  Jelp  'er,  but  outside,  you've  both  got  a 
chance,  it's  up  to  you. 

BILL.     (Moved)    But—  Jim  - 

JIMMIE.  There's  no  but  about  hit.  I'm  going  to 
tyke  care  of  this  kid  —  (Indicating  door  L.J  —  you 
tyke  care  of  the  other  one.  (Goes  to  c.  door  R.  Calls) 
Miss  Gordon.  fBiLL  goes  to  R.) 

ROSE.    (Upstairs)    Yes. 

JIMMIE.  Come  down  here  a  minute,  will  you? 
(Goes  down  stage  to  front  of  table.  ROSE  enters, 
goes  to  JIMMIE.  After  closing  door,  JIMMIE  to 
RosE.J  I  got  something  to  arsk  you  and  I  wants  a 
straight  h'answer.  Wot  did  you  do  with  that  pyper  ? 

ROSE.    Why,  I  —  told  —  you. 

JIMMIE.  Never  mind  wot  you  told  them.  Hi's 
arsking  you  to  tell  me  the  truth. 

BILL.  (Crosses  to  L.  To  ROSE  and  JIM)  Now, 
Jimmie,  why  do  you  persist 


JIMMIE.  (To  BILL^  Because  I  ayn't  goin*  to  see 
you  be  given  up  for  no  reward.  (To  RosE.J  You've 
read  it  —  'aven't  you? 

ROSE.    (Pause)    Yes. 

JIMMIE.  I  thought  so.  Then  you  know  there's  a 
thousand  pounds  reward  out  for  him,  and  'e  wanted 
to  give  'imself  up  so  you  could  get  'arf  of  it. 

ROSE.  (To  JIMMIED  Do  you  think  I'd  touch  any 
of  that  reward? 

JIMMIE.  I  know  you  wouldn't  and  I  told  him  so. 
'E  wanted  to  get  hit  to  you  without  you  knowin'  it, 

ROSE.    (To  BILL,)    Do  you  think  so  little  of  me? 


S6  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

JIMMIE.  Oh,  'e  meant  well.  Now  where  is  that 
pyper  ?  (Ross  takes  paper  from  her  pocket.) 

BILL.  Then  you  had  it  all  the  time?  (RosE  nods 
her  head  "Yes?') 

JIMMIE.  Wot  are  you  goin'  to  do  with  it  ?  (RosE 
tears  the  paper;  BILL  tries  to  stop  her;  JIMMIE  stops 
BILL.  Indicates  torn  paper.)  May  I  'ave  them? 
("RosE  gives  them  to  JIMMIE.  BILL  goes  up  Rj 
Whatever  Vs  done  on  the  other  side,  'e  more  than 
made  up  for — out  there.  If  you  two  went  a  wye 
together — well,  it  might  be  the  best  for  everybody. 
(Crosses  to  L.) 

ROSE.  (Goes  to  JIMMIE,  touches  shoulder)  It 
must  be  wonderful  to  have  a  friend  like  you ! 

JIMMIE.  It's  up  to  you,  Miss,  to  keep  'im  out  of 
trouble.  Will  you?  (Exits  L.  door.  Closes  door. 
ROSE  crosses  slowly  to  door  L.,  thinking,  turns  look- 
ing for  BILL,  sees  him.) 

ROSE.    Bill,  who's  offering  this  reward? 

BILL.  (Goes  to  L.  table)  It's  an  insurance  com- 
pany in  America. 

ROSE.    Why  an  insurance  company? 

BILL.  They  insured  some  bonds  against  theft. 
They  paid  the  loss — about  $60,000.  They'll  never 
let  up  till  they  get  me. 

ROSE.  I  just  can't  believe  that  you  would 

(Crosses  to  table  LV  sits.) 

BILL.    Steal? 

ROSE.    No ;  you  couldn't.    (RosE  sits  L.  of  table.) 

BILL.  A  fellow  will  do  a  lot  of  things  when  he's 
hard  pressed.  I'd  gotten  into  an  awful  mess  at 
school,  gambling,  debts,  I.O.U.'s — I  went  to  Dad's 
office  to  make  a  clean  breast  of  it.  He  wasn't  in  ; 
there  was  some  bonds  on  his  desk.  I  just  had  to 
have  money  so  I  took  them ;  that  night  I  got  drunk. 
When  I  woke  up,  I  realized  what  I'd  done.  I  de- 
termined to  return  the  bonds,  but  I  couldn't — they 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  57 

were  gone.  Then  I  saw  dad»  I  told  him  they  were 
gone.  He  wouldn't  believe  me.  He  was  furious. 
He  called  on  the  insurance  company  for  the  money 
for  the  bonds  and  told  me  to  face  the  music.  Well, 
they  got  out  the  warrant  and  I  got  out  of  the  coun- 
try, shipped  on  board  a  cattle  boat  for  England,  and 
enlisted — then  I  managed  to  get  myself  gassed,  but 
just  my  luck  they  brought  me  around  and  carted  me 
to  a  German  prison  camp.  Then  I  escaped  and  came 
back  here.  That's  all.  (Crosses  back  to  table  to 
chair  at  fireplace.) 

ROSE.  (Rises)  Why  didn't  you  tell  me  this  be- 
fore? 

BILL.  (Goes  to  RosEj  I  never  expected  to  come 
back,  and  I  wanted  you  to  think  of  me — well,  as  a 
fellow  wants  the  girl  he  loves  to  think  of  him. 

ROSE.     I  told  you  I'd  wait  for  you. 

BILL.  Will  you  still  take  a  chance?  I  don't  ask 
you  to  marry  the  boy  that  made  a  fool  of  himself 
on  the  other  side — that  boy's  dead. 

ROSE.    Billy,  I  know  he  is. 

BILL.    Will  you  go  away  with  me? 

ROSE.  Yes;  far  away — and  you'll  start  all  new, 
and  I'll  be  there  to  help.  (They  embrace.  Kiss. 
Two  loud  knocks  on  the  door  c.  D.  R.j  Who  is  it? 

BRIGGS.     ( Off  stage)    An  officer  of  the  law. 

(HosE  looks  at  BILL.    BILL  stands  regarding  her.) 

ROSE.  ( Gets  BILL  off  door  L.,  closes  door)  Come 
in !  (She  stands  by  door.  Enter  Detective  BRIGGS 
c.  door  RV  closes  door.) 

BRIGGS.     (At  door)    Are  you  Mrs.  Gubbins? 

ROSE.     No. 

BRIGGS.    Where  is  she? 

ROSE.     She's  gone  out. 

BRIGGS.    How  soon  will  she  return? 

ROSE.    I  don't  know. 


58  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

BRIGGS.  I'll  wait  for  her.  (Looks  about  the 
room — coming  down  a  little  Rj 

ROSE.     I'm  sorry,  but  you  can't  wait  here. 

BRIGGS.    Why  not? 

ROSE.  I'm  expecting  somebody.  Some  one  on 
very  important  business. 

BRIGGS.     May  I  ask  who  you  are? 

ROSE.     I  live  here. 

BRIGGS.  I'm  from  Scotland  Yard.  I'm  looking 
for  an  American  named  Foster,  also  known  as  Will- 
iam Jones.  The  landlady  told  me  I  might  find  him 
up  here.  Have  you  seen  him? 

ROSE.     No. 

BRIGGS.    You  are  certain? 

ROSE.    Yes. 

BRIGGS.    Would  you  know  him  if  you  saw  him? 

ROSE.     Why? 

BRIGGS.  That's  neither  here  nor  there.  The  point 
is,  I'm  looking  for  him  and  if  you  have  any  infor- 
mation as  to  his  whereabouts,  it  may  save  you 
trouble  if  you  give  it  to  me  now. 

ROSE.  (Crossing  to  R.  a  little)  I  have  no  infor- 
mation to  give. 

BRIGGS.  (Hangs  hat  on  rack,  crossing  R.)  Very 
good.  In  that  case,  I'll  stay  here  and  keep  you  com- 
pany for  a  bit. 

ROSE.  (Crossing  to  R.  on  front  of  table)  But  I 
tell  you,  you  can't  stay  here. 

BRIGGS.  (Crossing  to  chair.  Moves  it  into  posi- 
tion) I  heard  you  the  first  time.  (Sits  in  chair  R.) 

ROSE.  You  have  no  right  to  intrude  here.  (Cross- 
ing to  BRIGGS — goes  to  c.v.)  Please  go.  (Opens 
door  to  shut  him  out.  BENSON  crosses  door  in  the 
hall.  ROSE  sees  him.)  Oh !  I  see  you've  brought  a 
friend  with  you. 

BRIGGS.  (Pause)  I  suppose  you've  no  objections 
to  my  looking  about  a  bit.  (Rises,  starts  to  D.R.J 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  55 

ROSE.  (Quickly  coming  down  R.J  You  will  have 
to  see  Mrs.  Gubbins  about  that. 

BRIGGS.  (Crosses  to  L.)  And  you  don't  know 
when  she'll  be  back? 

ROSE.  (Crossing  L.  to  BRIGGSJ  I  don't.  And 
I  wouldn't  be  at  liberty  to  show  you  around. 

BRIGGS.  My  dear  young  woman,  you  won't  have 
to  show  me.  (Starts  toward  L.  As  he  does  so,  OLD 
SWEETHEART  enters  D.L.  Closes  door.  She's  wear- 
ing all  jewels  taken  from  SPOOFY  and  cloak  or  shawl 
over  them.  Crosses  to  BRIGGS.,)  Mrs.  Gubbins? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    I  beg  pardon 

BRIGGS.    Are  you  Mrs.  Gubbins? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Yes. 

BRIGGS.  (To  ROSE,)  I  thought  you  said  she  was 
out? 

ROSE.  (Confused)  I  thought  she  had  gone.  She 
is  just  going,  you  see. 

BRIGGS.  (As  if  not  quite  satisfied)  I  called,  Mrs. 
Gubbins,  to  ask  you  about  an  American.  (OLD 
SWEETHEART  involuntarily  stiffens.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    (Cautiously)    An  American? 

BRIGGS.    He  enlisted  under  the  name  of  Jones. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Verry  common  nyme! 

BRIGGS.  True!  But  do  you  happen  to  know 
him? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  'Ow  should  I?  (Cautiously) 
Why  do  you  want  to  know? 

BRIGGS.    I'm  from  Scotland  Yard ! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Gazes  at  him  with  strong 
disfavor)  Oh !  From  Scotland  Yard !  Well,  I  got 
to  go  out.  (Starts  up  stage.) 

BRIGGS.     (Steps  up)     The  landlady  told  me 

ROSE.  (Anxiously  intervening)  I  have  already 
told  the  gentleman,  the  American  isn't  here.  (To 
OLD  SWEETHEART.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    And  quite  right !    There  ayn't 


fc>  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

no  one  here,  with  a  reward  on  'im  for  Scotland 
Yard! 

BRIGGS.  (Looking  at  her)  Who  said  anything 
about  a  reward?  I'll  take  a  look  about!  (Starts 
L.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Not  in  my  'ouse.  (ROSE 
shows  she  approves  of  this  stand.)  An  English- 
man's 'ome  is  'is  castle ! 

BRIGGS.  (With  a  smile)  Quite  true !  Of  course, 
if  you  object? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  does !  I  stands  up  for  my 
rights ! 

ROSE.  (Quickly)  Quite  right,  Mrs.  Gubbins. 
(BRIGGS  gives  her  an  angry  glance.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    'As  you  a  search  warrant? 

BRIGGS.    (Sourly)    I  have  not. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Then  that  settles  it.  There's 
your  wye  out !  (Points  to  the  door  C.D.R.J 

BRIGGS.  Oh,  very  well.  I  suppose  you're  within 
your  rights.  (Turning  up,  starts  to  go.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I'm  very  particular  wot  com- 
pany I  receive!  (Assumes  majestic  attitude,  in  do- 
ing which  shaivl  comes  open  and  reveals  jewels  with 
which  she  is  bedecked.) 

BRIGGS.  (Staring  at  jewels,  coming  toward  her) 
What  are  these? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Loftily)  Family  heirlooms ! 
(Ross,  toof  regards  her  with  surprise.) 

BRIGGS.  (Hesitating)  Cheap  imitations,  I  sup- 
pose? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Indignantly)  Who  syes 
they're  himitations? 

BRIGGS.    Aren't  they? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Same  tone)  Himitations! 
I  should  sye  not!  Indeed! 

ROSE.  (Trying  to  save  the  situation)  Of  course 
they're  imitations. 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  61 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Indignantly)  There's  them 
wot  wears  limitations — and  them  wot  wears  real — 

BRIGGS.  (Taking  closer  look  at  diamonds)  Real 

— oh?  Sunburst — set  with  diamonds (Takes 

poper  from  pocket  and  looks  at  it,  comparing  what 
he  reads  with  the  jewels  worn  by  OLD  SWEETHEART,) 

Pearl  neck Here,  here !  (Significantly)  Where'd 

you  get  them?  The  truth  now!  (Sternly.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  They  were  given  me  by  a 
verry  kind  gentleman. 

BRIGGS.  When  did  the  kind  gentleman  give  them 
to  you? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Only  to-dye. 

BRIGGS.    You'd  better  take  them  off! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Expostulating)  Tyke  them 
off! 

BRIGGS.    You're  going  with  me ! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Wot  for? 

BRIGGS.    Oh,  you  don't  know  ?    Where's  the  baby  ? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Hiding  bottle  in  dress) 
Byby?  I  don't  know  what  you're  talking  about. 

BRIGGS.    How  about  the  bottle? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Showing  baby's  milk  bottle) 
That?  Oh,  that  was  for  gin. 

(Baby  cries  off  stage.  JIMMIE  ad  libs  to  baby  off 
stage.  BRIGGS  takes  pistol  from  his  pocket. 
OLD  SWEETHEART  to  L.  of  table.  Enter  JIM- 
MIE. BENSON  enters  C.D.R.  Crosses  to  table.) 

BRIGGS.    Throw  up  your  hands. 

JIMMIE.    Who  are  you? 

BRIGGS.  Scotland  Yard!  Benson!  (BENSON 
crosses  to  JIMMIE,  searches  him,  then  upstage.  To 
JIMMIED  I've  got  you  covered.  I'm  taking  no 
chances.  You  had  your  nerve  to  pull  off  a  job  like 
this! 


6a  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

JiMMiE.    I  didn't  pull  off  no  job,  Governor. 

BRIGGS.  Of  course  not!  Those  jewels — you're 
not  the  kind  old  gentleman  that  brought  them  here  ? 
And  the  baby?  I  suppose  somebody  left  it  on  the 
doorstep  and  you  took  it  in  out  of  charity. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  That's  right!  (Coming 
down.) 

BRIGGS.  Keep  quiet.  (OLD  SWEETHEART  gets 
back.)  You  didn't  expect  Scotland  Yard  to  drop  in 
so  soon,  and,  to  tell  the  truth,  I  didn't  expect  to 
fall  into  anything  so  gorgeous  as  this.  Now  who 
else  is  implicated  in  this  affair?  (Looks  at  ROSE. 
Calls)  Benson!  Look  in  there.  (Indicates  door 

Lj 

BENSON.  (Crosses  to  door  L.  Brings  BILL  out) 
Come  out  here ! 

(Enter  BILL.    BENSON  frisks  him,  then  upstage.) 

BRIGGS.  (To  BILL;  Foster!  Foster!  (Looks 
at  ROSE.  ROSE  crosses  to  Rj  Looks  like  my  lucky 
day.  Benson,  the  police  van! 

BENSON.  Yes,  sir.  (Exits  C.D.R.  Leaves  door 
open.) 

BRIGGS.  I  certainly  am  glad  to  see  you !  (Crosses 
to  FOSTER.  OLD  SWEETHEART  crosses  to  ROSE, 
starts  talking  to  her,  ad  lib.  Stops  in  front  of  chair 
R.;  Shut  up!  (OLD  SWEETHEART  jumps.)  Now 
listen,  all  of  you!  I  know  you're  a  bad  lot.  And 
I'm  not  going  to  take  any  chances.  If  anyone  makes 
a  move,  I'm  going  to  shoot  first  and  inquire  after- 
wards. (To  OLD  SWEETHEART )  Sit  down!  (She 
does  so.)  Take  them  off.  (OLD  SWEETHEART  takes 
off  her  hat;  has  diamond  tiara  underneath.  BRIGGS 
startled.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Tyke  'em  off  ? 

BRIGGS.    Take  'em  off!    (To  ROSE)    Over  there, 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  63 

you !  (Indicating  chair  R,  of  table.  ROSE  does  so. 
Takes  small  table  by  R.  door  and  places  it  in  front 
of  OLD  SWEETHEART)  Put  them  there.  Hurry  up ! 
Hurry  up!  (OLD  SWEETHEART  places  them  on 
table  one  by  one.  To  JIMMIE,  crossing  to  L.)  You 
sit  there.  (Indicating  chair  L.  of  table.  JIMMIE 
sits.  To  BILL,)  You  there.  (Indicating  chair  L. 
BILL  sits.  Turns  to  OLD  SWEETHEART)  All  of 
them.  (OLD  SWEETHEART  places  tiara  on  table.  To 
OLD  SWEETHEART )  Get  over  there.  (OLD  SWEET- 
HEART crosses  to  L.,  sits  in  chair  L.  of  table  occupied 
by  JIMMIE.  He  stands  back  of  chair  and  turns  to 
others)  Now,  while  we're  waiting  for  the  van,  I'd 
like  a  little  information.  (Enter  SPOOFY  L.  furtively. 
BRIGGS  does  not  see  him  as  he  is  facing  the  other. 
SPOOFY  picks  up  jewels,  puts  them  into  his  pocket 
and  exits  quietly  ond  unseen  up  C.D.R.J  Who  put 
up  this  job?  Who  put  up  this  job?  Those  jewels — 
(Turns  toward  jewels — sees  they  are  gone.  He  is 
astonished.  Stands  and  stares  at  the  empty  table.) 

CURTAIN 


ACT   THREE 

SCENE:   Same. 

TIME:  Fifteen  minutes  later. 

DISCOVERED  :  Curtain  rises  on  empty  stage.  BRIGGS 

enters  from  kitchen,  examining  rooms.    Bus. 

with  table,  places  it  back  by  door  R. 

(BENSON  enters  C.D.R.) 

BENSON.  (Coming  down)  Can't  find  anybody 
who's  seen  anyone  enter  or  leave  the  house! 

BRIGGS.     Damn  funny !    Where  were  you  ? 

BENSON.    I  was  telephoning  for  the  van. 

BRIGGS.  She  put  them  down  right  here.  (Points 
to  table  where  he  placed  the  jewels.)  Disappeared 
right  under  my  nose !  How  did  it  happen  ?  (Cross- 
ing to  L$>) 

BENSON.    I  can't  explain  it. 

BRIGGS.  I'm  going  to  find  out  if  I  have  to  choke 
it  out  of  them. 

BENSON.     Yes,  sir. 

BRIGGS.  I  can't  put  the  handcuffs  on  these  people 
and  take  them  down  to  Scotland  Yard  and  confess 
that  I  lost  these  jewels,  after  I  found  them. 

BENSON.     No,  sir 

BRIGGS.  I'm  going  to  bluff  it  out  of  them.  Ill 
do  this  on  my  own.  Say  nothing  about  this  down 
at  the  Yard.  Keep  the  house  surrounded  and  let 
me  know  as  soon  as  the  police  van  comes. 


I 


O€ 


o 
£ 
O 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  65 

BENSON.  Yes,  sir.  (Crosses  to  cjxnj  Good 
hick.  (Exits  CJD.R. — closes  door.) 

BRIGGS.  Good  luck !  (Goes  to  door  L.)  Step  in 
here,  please.  (Goes  back  to  right  of  table.  Enter 
BILL  and  ROSE,  followed  by  policeman.  To  ROSE) 
Sit  down  there.  (RosE  sits  L.  of  table.  To  BILLY ) 
You  there!  (Points  to  chair  L.  BILL  sits )  Now 
listen !  Kidnapping  isn't  a  popular  crime  over  here. 
It's  more  a  continental  pastime,  where  you  have 
plenty  of  room.  This  island's  too  small  for  that 
sort  of  thing. 

BILL.    You  accuse  us  of  kidnapping? 

BRIGGS.     (To  BILL)    It  was  a  pretty  slick  job. 

BILL.    I  don't  know  anything  about  it! 

BRIGGS.    (To  ROSE)    Nor  you,  either  ? 

ROSE.     No. 

BRIGGS.  I  suppose  not !  (Turning  on  her  rough- 
ly) Where  were  you  last  night?  I  have  it  from 
your  landlady  you  weren't  in  your  room  all  night. 

BILL.  (Quickly)  You  don't  have  to  answer  that. 
You  can  wait  until  your  lawyer  advises  you. 

BRIGGS.  You  know  a  lot  for  a  kid,  don't  you? 
(To  ROSE)  You  don't  have  to  answer.  But  it  will 
be  better  for  you  in  the  end  if  you  do. 

BILL.    You  haven't  anything  on  her. 

BRIGGS.  Haven't,  eh  ?  She  tried  to  steer  me  from 
this  crib. 

BILL.  That  was  on  my  account.  It  was  I  got 
her  into  this !  Why,  man,  there  isn't  a  crooked  hair 
on  her  head.  She's  on  the  level. 

BRIGGS.    Then  let  her  answer  my  question. 

BILL.     Refuse  to  answer,  Rose. 

ROSE.  (Quietly)  Why  should  I?  I'm  not 
afraid. 

BRIGGS.  You  acknowledge  you  weren't  in  your 
room  all  night? 

ROSE.     I  do. 


66  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

BRIGGS,  Where  were  you? — I  want  all  your 
movements. 

ROSE.    I  went  out  to  sell  a  china  bowl. 

BRIGGS.     Stolen  property? 

BILL.  (Rising  )  See  here — you  treat  her  with' 
respect. 

BRIGGS.  (To  BILL;  Sit  down.  (To  ROSE)  So 
you  went  out  to  sell  a  china  bowl? 

ROSE.     One  I  had  painted. 

BRIGGS.     Well,  did  you  sell  it? 

ROSE.    I  didn't.    It  fell  and  broke. 

BRIGGS.  And  after  you  broke  it,  what  did  you 
do?  Keep  an  appointment  with  him  somewhere? 
(Indicating  BILL.) 

BILL.    No !    (Nasty  tone.) 

BRIGGS.  (To  BILL)  Any  more  sounds  like  that 
from  you,  and  out  you  go!  I'm  trying  to  be  nice 
to  you  kids. 

ROSE.     I  had  an  appointment  with  him. 

BRIGGS.  (To  ROSE)  What?  You  didn't  meet 
him  anywhere  last  night?  (Indicates  BILL)  Near 
Kensington  Gardens,  perhaps? 

ROSE.     I  did  not. 

BRIGGS.  You  were  not  in  the  neighborhood  of 
Kensington  Gardens,  then,  last  night? 

ROSE.  (Unexpectedly)  I  was.  (BiLL  shows 
great  surprise.) 

BRIGGS.     Near  the  house  that  was  entered? 

ROSE.    Yes. 

BRIGGS.    At  what  time  was  this? 

ROSE.  (Pause)  I  don't  know  the  time;  but  I 
was  there  when  it  happened.. 

BILL.  (In  consternation)  Rose — you  don't  know 
what  you  are  saying ! 

BRIGGS.  Keep  still !  (To  ROSE )  What  were  you 
doing  there  ? 

ROSE.    I  followed  someone  there. 


LIVE  GHOSTS  67 

BRIGGS.    Followed  ? 

ROSE.  Yes — you  see,  he  was  suffering  from  shell- 
shock. 

BRIGGS.  You  followed  a  man  suffering  from 
shell-shock?  How  did  you  come  to  follow  him? 

ROSE.  I  met  him  in  the  fog.  I  remembered  hav- 
ing seen  him  before.  He  almost  got  run  over.  I 
saw  he  wasn't  himself.  I  was  sorry.  You  see,  I 
helped  at  nursing  during  the  war  and  I  knew  some- 
thing was  wrong.  Besides,  I  was  restless  myself. 

BRIGGS.     (Incredulously)     Go  on ! 

ROSE.  We  walked  and  walked.  And  then  he  just 
seemed  to  disappear  in  the  fog.  I  couldn't  imagine 
what  had  become  of  him.  I  waited.  Then  lights 
began  to  flash  in  the  house.  The  police  came  and 
then  I  left. 

BRIGGS.  You  didn't  wait  to  tip  off  the  danger- 
signals  ? 

ROSE.    (Wearily)    You  don't  seem  to  understand. 

BRIGGS.  No,  I  don't.  Well,  what  did  you  do 
then? 

ROSE.  I  hardly  know.  Just  kept  on  going,  I 
guess.  I  found  myself  in  the  neighborhood  of  a 
friend  of  mine.  A  girl  I  had  known  for  some 
time. 

BRIGGS.    Yes 

ROSE.  I  went  to  her  room.  I  was  tired — my 
clothes  were  soaked.  Oh,  you  believe  me,  don't  you  ? 

BRIGGS.  Yes  I  do!  (RosE  bows  her  head  on 
table.  Shaking  head)  So  you're  trying  to  frame 
up  some  mysterious  stranger!  With  shell-shock! 
Who  is  he? 

ROSE.  I — I (Suddenly)  You  have  no  right 

to  question  me.  I  haven't  done  anything. 

BILL.  (Excitedly,  rising)  It's  outrageous!  I 
won't  stand  for  it! 

BRIGGS.     (Calmly)     Oh,  you  won't  stand  for  it, 


68  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

eh?  You  better  come  across  with  what  you  know, 
if  you  know  what's  good  for  you. 

BILL.  (Crossing  to  ROSE,)  I  don't  know  anything 
about  this  affair.  (Officer  moves  a  little  nearer  to 
BILL.; 

BRIGGS.  (To  ROSE)  How  long  have  you  two 
been  living  together? 

ROSE.     How  dare  you 

BILL.  You  wouldn't  dare  ask  that  if  y6u  didn't 
have  a  gun  in  your  pocket. 

BRIGGS.    (To  BILL)    Are  you  threatening  me? 

BILL.  She's  been  telling  you  the  truth  and  you 
haven't  sense  enough  to  see  it.  (To  ROSE)  Rose, 
don't  answer  any  more  of  his  questions.  He'll  only 
twist  and  turn  everything  you  say  so  as  to  make  it 
look  bad  for  you. 

BRIGGS.  (To  ROSE;  How  do  you  come  to  be 
living  in  this  house? 

ROSE.  I  came  here  hoping  possibly  he  might  come 
here  too.  I  promised  to  wait  for  him  when  he 
went  away,  as  a  soldier.  (BRIGGS  looks  out  front.) 
I  thought  of  him  every  day — and  I'm  not  ashamed 
to  say  it — I  love  him.  (Turns  to  BILL.; 

BILL.     Rose!     (Puts  arm  around  her.) 

ROSE.  (To  BILLJ  They  may  take  you  away — 
and  we  may  be  separated.  But  I  want  you  to  know 
that  I'll  wait  again,  no  matter  how  long.  (BiLL  em- 
braces her  and  kisses  her.) 

BRIGGS.  (Turns)  Here,  here!  Where  do  you 
think  you  are?  This  is  a  criminal  investigation! 
(To  Policeman)  Officer,  take  him  away !  (Police- 
man exits  with  BILL  down  L.  ROSE  starts  to  -fol- 
low.) No,  I  want  you.  (BRIGGS  motions  to  chair 
L.  of  table.)  Now  see  here,  young  woman,  you  look 
to  me  as  if  you  had  sense;  but  you  aren't  acting 
that  way.  (Sits  at  table.)  Shielding  a  criminal 
doesn't  pay.  Take  my  advice  and  break  away  from 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  69 

crooks.  Tell  what  you  know  and  you'll  find  me 
your  friend. 

ROSE.    (Quietly)    Thank  you. 

BRIGGS.  If  you're  afraid  to  talk  on  account  of 
him,  you  can  rely  upon  Scotland  Yard  to  protect 
you. 

ROSE.     I  have  nothing  to  say. 

BRIGGS.  You  prefer  sharing  his  fate?  Going  to 
jail?  (Coming  down  a  little \) 

ROSE.    If  I  have  to.    (Goes  toward  BRIGGS. ) 

BRIGGS.     But  you  don't!    Why  stick  to  a  crook? 

ROSE.     He  isn't— that! 

BRIGGS.  (Savagely)  I've  known  girls  like  you 
stand  by  their  lovers  before,  and  what  did  they  get 
for  it?  When  their  crook  friends  get  out  of  jail — 
sugar-plums?  (Ironically)  No,  black  eyes  and 
curses !  That's  what  the  crook's  girl  comes  to. 

ROSE.  He  is  not  concerned  in  this  crime.  But — 
(Looking  at  BRIGGS  fully) — if  he  were,  I  wouldn't 
tell  you. 

BRIGGS.  I  think  I've  had  enough  of  your  com- 
pany for  now.  (Crosses  to  D.L.J  In  here,  please. 
(Exit  ROSE  D.L.  BRIGGS  closes  door.  Looks  around 
puzzled.  Looks  under  table.  Wanders  over  to 
C.D.R.  Sees  motto  over  door,  "Peace,  Perfect  Peace'' 
Crosses  to  D.R.  Opens  it.)  Come  in  here — you ! 

(OLD  SWEETHEART  enters,  crossing  to  front  of  chair 
R.  She  is  followed  by  policeman.  BRIGGS 
crosses  to  L  .) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Starts  talking  outside)  An 
houtrage,  that's  wot  I  calls  hit!  Prisoner  in  my 
own  'ouse!  I  demand  'is  instant  removal!  (Points 
to  Policeman)  He  may  be  useful,  but  'e  ain't  orni- 
mental. 

BRIGGS.     Sit  down!     You  don't  seem  to  realize 


70  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

the  serious  position  you  are  in.  (OLD  SWEETHEART 
sits,  when  told,  chair  Rj 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Oh,  don't  I?  H'all  the  time 
I  'as  been  arsking  myself,  is  this  Rooshia,  or  merry 
H'England? 

BRIGGS.  I  don't  think  it's  going  to  be  very  merry 
for  you,  unless  you  answer  my  questions. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  'asn't  any  objections  to 
answering  questions,  I  'as  nothink  to  conceal. 

BRIGGS.  First  tell  me  what  you  know  about  the 
jewels  disappearing. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Wot  I  know!  I  like  that! 
Didn't  you  tyke  them  from  me  ?  (Indignantly.)  Me 
— wot  'ad  a  perfect  right  to  'em!  And  then  you 
arsk  me  wot's  become  of  them?  Maybe  I  might  'ave 
a  theory.  I  'as  'eard  Scotland  Yard  'as  a  way  of 
its  own — and  that  harticles  found  by  Scotland  Yard 
are  frequently  lost  by  them.  And  where  they're 

gone  to (Looking  at  BRIGGS.,)  It  ain't  for  me 

to  sye! 

BRIGGS.  (Angrily)  Now  look  here,  perhaps  a 
little  inducement  will  make  you  a  less  unwilling  wit- 
ness. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Tentatively)  I  ham  always 
willin'  to  listen  to  a  little  h'inducements. 

BRIGGS.  Very  good!  I  am  going  to  give  you  a 
chance  to  turn  witness  for  the  crown. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Reflecting)  Witness  for 
the  crown!  That  sounds  like  an  honor. 

BRIGGS.  It  will  go  a  great  deal  easier  if  you  tell 
the  truth. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  You  mean  the  crown  rewards 
me?  (Smiles.) 

BRIGGS.  Yes;  you  will  probably  get  a  lighter 
sentence. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Breaks  smile.  Indignant- 
ly) You  calls  that  a  reward!  It's  haction  I'll  be 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  71 

bringing  against  Scotland  Yard— for  taking  the 
jewels  and  then  losing  them. 

BRIGGS.  Now  listen — I've  had  enough  nonsense 
from  you.  Where  did  you  get  the  jewels? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  They  were  given  me  by  a  very 
kind  gentleman. 

BRIGGS.    A  kind  gentleman?    Who  is  he? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    An  old  admirer!     (Smirks.) 

BRIGGS.    What's  his  name? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  'Enry  'Iggins.  Wot  used  to 
keep  company  with  me,  and  disappeared  and  then 
came  back  the  owner  of  diamond  mines!  "Tyke 
'em,"  says  'e,  "for  auld  lang  syne.  Tyke  'em  from  a 
'eart  full  of  remorse,  for  'avin'  ran  off  and  deserted 
you.  Tyke  'em/'  says  'e,  "and  be  'appy."  (BRIGGS 
gives  her  hard  look,  crosses  to  L.) 

BRIGGS.    (Movement  to  R.)    Where  is  he  now  ? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Went  awye  agyne ! 

BRIGGS.    To  get  more  diamonds? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    I  'ope  so. 

BRIGGS.    (Looking  at  her)    Oh,  you  do ! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Cautiously)  Of  course,  'e 
might  'ave  stolen  them,  and  me  a  perfectly  hinnocent 
party. 

BRIGGS.  (Angrily)  The  jewels  were  here — and 
you  know  what  become  of  them. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Suddenly)  I  'as  hit !  Maybe 
the  spirits  took  'em. 

BRIGGS.    Spirits? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  'Ouse  full  of  them!  Some- 
times I  'ears  raps.  (BRIGGS  snorts.)  And  taps. 
An'  I  'ave  'card  footsteps.  Come  to  think  of  hit  it 
ain't  the  first  time  things  'as  disappeared. 

BRIGGS.  (Angrily)  Yes;  and  I  think  I  can  put 
my  hand  on  the  one  that  helped  them  disappear. 
(To  Policeman.)  Bring  in  that  cockney.  (Police- 
man exits  door  R.  Brings  in  JIMMIE.  BRIGGS  mo- 


72  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

tions  to  chair  L.  of  table.  Policeman  follows  Jm- 
MIE  across  stage.  Policeman  stands  back  of  chair.) 
Put  him  there!  (JiMMiE  Bus.  of  pulling  up  legs 
of  trousers;  he  is  smoking  a  cigarette.  BRIGGS  to 
JIMMIED  What's  your  name?  fJiMMiE  looks  at 
OLD  SWEETHEART  and  hesitates.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Rises,  desperately)  'Is 
name  ?  'Iggins !  (Sits.) 

BRIGGS.    That  owned  the  diamond  mines  ? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Confused)  Yes.  (JIMMIE 
crosses  legs  extravagantly;  very  proud.) 

BRIGGS.  Rather  young  for  an  old  admirer  of 
yours. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Quickly)  Oh,  this  is  'is 
son! 

BRIGGS.    Hm !    His  son !    No  relation  of  yours? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Honly  by  adoption!  Left 
with  me  by  'Enry  'Iggins!  "Tyke  'im,"  syes  'e. 
"My  dearest  treasure  and  bring  'im  hup  as  your 
own,"  which  I  'as  done,  heducatin'  'im  to  be  a  credit 
to  'is  king  and  country. 

BRIGGS.  He'll  be  a  credit  to  his  country  all  right — 
behind  the  bars. 

JIMMIE.     You  can't  arrest  me. 

BRIGGS.    Can't  eh?    Why  not? 

JIMMIE.    I'm  dead. 

BRIGGS.    (Looks- at  him)    You're  what? 

JIMMIE.    I'm  dead.    I  died  more'n  a  year  ago. 

BRIGGS.    Then  why  in  hell  didn't  you  stay  dead  ? 

JIMMIE.    I  did  stay  dead !    I  ain't  alive  right  now. 

BRIGGS.    Perhaps  you'll  say  I'm  dead,  too. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Never  can  tell ! 

BRIGGS.  (To  OLD  SWEETHEART)  Trying  to  be 
funny,  eh? 

JIMMIE.    I'm  telling  you  the  truth.    I'm  a  ghost. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  It  was  the  government  what 
made  a  ghost  out  o'  Jim. 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  73 

BRIGGS.  I'm  going  to  make  a  ghost  out  of  some- 
body, if  I  don't  find  out  what  become  of  those 
jewels.  Somebody  around  here  has  been  trying  to 
make  a  fool  out  of  me 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    (Sweetly)    Tryin ? 

BRIGGS.  And  he's  going  to  be  sorry.  (To  JIM- 
MIED Now  look  here,  young  man;  you  can  save 
yourself  a  long  term  at  hard  labor. 

JIMMIE.    Wot  would  be  'ard  labor  for  a  ghost. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Floatin'  gently  hout  of  jyle! 

BRIGGS.  (Angrily)  That'll  be  enough  of  this. 
(Turns  to  policeman.)  You  know  what  we  some- 
times do  when  prisoners  refuse  to  talk? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Rises)  Wot  are  you  going 
to  do? 

JIMMIE.  They  ain't  going  to  get  a  word  hout  of 
me. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Dont  'art  him 

BRIGGS.  (Takes  out  his  watch)  Now  I'll  just 
wait  five  seconds  for  one  of  you  to  start  the  conver- 
sation. (He  counts.)  One — two — three (The 

door  opens  up  c.  door  R.  by  BENSON.  BOLTON  en- 
ters.) 

BOLTON.  (Coming  down  c.)  Hello,  Briggs !  Have 
you  really  got  him?  (Starts  to  shake  hands.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  The  American?  I  got  'im. 
(Crosses  quickly  between  BRIGGS  and  BOLTON; 
shakes  hands  with  BOLTON.) 

BRIGGS.    Oh,  you  have? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (To  BOLTON/  'E  took  fim 
away  from  me.  (Points  to  BRIGGS.) 

BRIGGS.  (To  BOLTON)  Don't  pay  any  attention 
to  her. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  This  is  my  'ouse.  I  found 
'im  'ere  and  findin's  keepin's.  (To  BOLTON.)  I'll 
fetch  'im  to  you.  (Starts  to  go  to  door  L.  BRIGGS 
stops  her,  shoves  her  to  chair  L.,  she  sits.) 


74  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

BRIGGS.    You  stay  right  where  you  ara. 

BOLTON.    Where  is  he? 

BRIGGS.  I'll  get  him.  (Crosses  to  door  L.  Opens 
door.  OLD  SWEETHEART  makes  motions  to  BOLTON 
that  she  caught  him,  etc.,  BOLTON  crosses  to  front  of 
table.)  Come  in  here!  (Calls  off  stage.  Enter 
ROSE  followed  by  BILL.  BRIGGS  goes  to  R.C.  back, 
comes  down  R.  c.) 

BOLTON.  (Looking  at  BILLJ  Ah!  Foster!  I 
recognize  you  from  your  picture ! 

BILL.  (Crosses  to  BOLTON,  smiling  grimly)  It's 
been  a  long  chase,  eh?  (ROSE  goes  down  L.) 

BOLTON.    I  shall  say  it  has. 

BILL.    Sorry  I  put  you  to  so  much  trouble. 

BOLTON.    Oh,  never  mind  about  the  trouble ! 

BILL.  I'll  give  you  credit  for  persistency.  That 
reward  has  followed  me  everywhere. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Reward!  (BRIGGS  gives  her 
a  look;  she  subsides.) 

BILL.  I  couldn't  get  away  from  it.  Well,  I'm 

glad  it's  over.  The  only  thing  I  feel  bad  about 

(Turns  to  ROSE.  Takes  her  hand.)  They're  trying 
to  pin  something  on  this  little  girl ;  and  she  had 
nothing  to  do  with  it. 

BRIGGS.    The  Magistrate  will  decide  that. 

ROSE.  Never  mind  about  me,  Bill,  I  hate  to  think 

of  you  as (Tears  come  to  her  eyes  and  she 

presses  her  head  against  his  shoulder.) 

BILL.  (Patting  her  head)  Oh,  I  couldn't  stalk 
and  dodge  any  longer.  (To  BOLTON.,)  Well,  I'm 
ready  to  go  back.  (Steps  out.) 

BOLTON.  Good.  (To  BRIGGS.,)  I'll  take  him 
right  along  with  me  now. 

BRIGGS.    Not  so  easy !    He's  wanted  over  here. 

BOLTON.     (Stupefied)     What  for? 

BRIGGS.  A  little  matter  of  kidnapping  and  rob- 
bery. 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  75 

BOLTON.    He's  committed  a  crime  over  here,  too? 
BRIGGS.    Rather  1 

BOLTON.  (Looks  surprised  at  others)  Are  these 
people  mixed  up  in  it? 

BRIGGS.    This  is  the  rest  of  the  gang. 

f  BOLTON  and  BRIGGS  cross  little  to  R.  Enter  BEN- 
SON with  Miss  WOOFERS.  Throws  her  down  R. 
She  is  terribly  frightened.) 

BENSON.  The  landlady's  daughter — seems  to 
know  a  good  deal  about  the  case.  She's  been  talking 
upstairs.  (Goes  down  stage.) 

BRIGGS.  Very  well,  I'll  question  her,  (Waves 
officer  standing  back  of  JIMMIE'S  chair  out  c.  door 
*.  To  BOLTON .)  This  may  interest  you  too.  (Goes 
to  Miss  WOOFERS,  looks  hard  at  her  then  abruptly 
and  sharply.)  What  do  you  know  about  this  case? 
('Miss  WOOFERS  starts  to  speak.) 

JIMMIE.    (Quickly)    Nothin'! 

BRIGGS.     (To  JIMMIED    You  keep  still! 

JIMMIE.    She  don't  know  nothin' ! 

BRIGGS.  Keep  still !  (To  Miss  WOOFERS.;  This 
house  belongs  to  your  mother? 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Just  able  to  articulate)  Ye — es, 
sir. 

BRIGGS.    Used  as  a  crib  by  the  gang? 

Miss  WOOFERS.    (Swallowing)    Ye — es,  sir. 

BRIGGS.  (Pointing  to  JIMMIE  and  hurling  the 
question  at  Miss  WOOFERS^  You  know  this  man, 
'Iggins  ? 

Miss  WOOFERS.     (Faintly)    Ye — es,  sir. 

BRIGGS.    It  was  he  who  cracked  the  safe? 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Ye — es,  sir. 

BRIGGS.  (Indicating  OLD  SWEETHEART)  You 
know  this  person? 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Ye — es,  sir. 


76  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

BRIGGS.  "Old  fence" — receiver  of  stolen  prop- 
erty? 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Ye — es,  sir. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Turns  in  chair,  puzzled; 
hard  look  at  PEG)  Fence?  Me,  an  old  fence? 

BRIGGS.  (Pointing  to  BILL)  The  American  chap 
— he's  the  leader  of  the  gang? 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Ye — es,  sir. 

BRIGGS.    International  crook? 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Ye — es,  sir. 

BRIGGS.  (Indicating  ROSE)  You  know  this  young 
lady  stayed  out  all  night  ? 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Ye — es,  sir. 

BRIGGS.    Got  the  child  handed  to  her? 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Ye — es,  sir. 

BRIGGS.    She  told  you  that? 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Ye — es,  sir. 

ROSE.     (Indignantly)    How  dare  you? 

BRIGGS.  You  have  a  distinct  recollection  of  her 
telling  you  that? 

Miss  WOOFERS.    Ye — es,  sir. 

BRIGGS.  (Pats  her  on  the  shoulder;  then  to  BOL- 
TON)  A  very  good  witness.  (Goes  up  to  BENSON.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Yes,  a  'ell  of  a  witness! 
(To  PEG.)  'Anging  the  lot  of  us ! 

BRIGGS.  (To  BENSON)  See  if  you  can  find  any 
more  like  her. 

BENSON.  Yes,  sir.  (Exits  c.  door  RV  closes  door.) 

Miss  WOOFERS.  (Anxiously)  Oh,  Jimmie,  'as  I 
said  anything  wrong? 

JIMMIE.  Oh!  Bly'me!  'As  you  said  anything 
wrong!  Just  "yessed"  us  all  into  jail,  that's  all ! 

BRIGGS.  (To  BOLTON,  crossing  to  him)  The  mo- 
ment I  saw  him  I  knew  he  was  the  leader  of  the 
gang.  (Points  to  BILL.) 

BOLTON.  (To  BILL)  I  was  in  hope  that  he  might 
have  had  sense  enough  to  go  straight  over  here. 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  77 

BILL.  (Vehemently)  I  tell  you  I  haven't  done 
anything.  I'm  innocent. 

BRIGGS.  Oh !  Yes,  of  course — you're  all  innocent 
— aren't  you? 

ALL.    Yes,  sir. 

BRIGGS.  (Laughs,  to  BOLTON,)  What's  he  wanted 
for  in  America  ? 

BOLTON.  Oh,  a  matter  of  some  bonds — about 
sixty  thousand  dollars'  worth.  Isn't  there  any  way 
I  can  take  him  back  with  me? 

BRIGGS.  Hardly!  You  know,  we  like  to  keep 
them  with  us  a  long  time  in  jail.  (Looks  at  OLD 
SWEETHEART.^ 

BOLTON.  Well,  there's  nothing  more  I  can  do.  I'll 
report  to  the  insurance  company.  (To  BILL  J  Too, 
bad,  young  man,  you  got  yourself  into  this  fix. 

BILL.  What's  the  difference  whether  I  go  to  jail 
here  or  on  the  other  side  ? 

BOLTON.  You  could  have  squared  it  with  the  in- 
surance company. 

BILL.    How? 

BOLTON.    By  paying  back  the  money. 

BILL.    Where  was  I  to  get  money? 

BOLTON.  Who  do  you  think  has  been  advertising 
and  offering  a  reward  for  you? 

BILL.    Why,  the  insurance  company,  of  course. 

BOLTON.  Quite  true.  But  your  estate  is  paying 
for  it. 

BILL.  My  estate?  What  estate  could  there  be 
for  me  ? 

BOLTON.    Don't  you  know  ? 

BILL.    No 

BOLTON.    Your  father's. 

BILL.  Then  he's (BOLTON  bows  his  head. 

BILL'S  head  drops.) 

ROSE.    (Comforting  him)    I'm  sorry. 


78  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

BRIGGS.  You  mean  to  say  he's  fallen  heir  to  an 
estate? 

BOLTON.    Yes. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  What  a  nice  thing  to  fall 
into. 

BOLTON.  (To  BRIGGS  J  May  I  speak  to  him 
alone? 

BRIGGS.    No,  I  can't  take  a  chance. 

BOLTON.  It's  in  connection  with  the  estate.  I'll 
be  responsible  for  him. 

BRIGGS.  I  don't  mind  your  taking  him  in  there, 
there's  no  window,  but  make  it  brief. 

(EiLL,  and  BOLTON  exit  down  L.    BRIGGS  to  front  of 
table.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Now  that  Vs  got  an  estate, 
I  'opes  'e'll  appreciate  my  keepin'  'im  'ere. 

JIMMIE.  (Rises)  You  think  you've  been  doing 
*im  a  favor? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Certainly.  I'm  'is  benefac- 
tress. 

JIMMIE.  (To  BRIGGS )  Don't  pye  hany  hattention 
to  'er. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  And  wye  not?  Was  it  for 
myself  I  was  wantin'  the  reward?  I  should  sye  not7 
I  was  thinkin'  of  you  and  Peg. 

JIMMIE.    Ain't  she  generous? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (Warming  up)  And  the  wed- 
ding presents  you'd  be  needin' !  The  grand  'oney- 
moon !  Travellin'  in  style !  Not  third  class !  (D-is- 
dainfully.)  But  first !  In  a  compartment,  where  the 
conductor  tips  'is  'at  to  you!  And  when  you  gets 
out,  the  porter  'andles  your  luggage,  you  walkin' 
proudly  arter,  with  your  'eads  stuck  up.  And 

BRIGGS.     For  God's  sake,  stop  her! 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    (With  dignity)  I  'as  stopped. 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  79 

JIMMIE.  (To  ROSE)  She  ayn't  bad  'carted.  Only 
she  hytes  to  see  anything  get  awye  from  'er. 

BRIGGS.  Now  listen,  all  of  you.  I'm  going  to 
give  you  one  last  chance.  I  can't  afford  to  take  you 
down  to  Scotland  Yard  and  confess  those  jewels 
were  stolen  right  under  my  nose,  I've  held  my  job 
too  long. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    Yes,  too  long. 

BRIGGS.  Here's  what  I'll  do.  The  one  who'll  tell 
me  where  those  jewels  are,  can  walk  out  of  this 
room — free !  Nobody  will  stop  him,  and  if  he  does 
not  make  himself  too  conspicuous,  the  police  will 
never  find  him! 

JIMMIE.  (Crosses  to  BRIGGS)  You  mean,  if  one 
of  us  tells,  you'd  let  him  go  free? 

BRIGGS.  He  can  walk  right  out  of  that  door  and 
I'll  see  that  there's  nobody  down  stairs  to  stop  him. 

JIMMIE.  Does  that  go  for  'im?  (Points  to  the 
room  where  BILL  is.) 

ROSE.    He'll  never  tell.     (Crosses  to  JIMMIE.) 

JIMMIE.    But  if  hi  tell,  will  you  let  'im  go? 

BRIGGS.    Why  him? 

JIMMIE.  (Pause,  looks  at  ROSE)  'E's  got  some- 
think  to  live  for. 

BRIGGS.    All  right,  it's  a  bargain. 

( JIMMIE  and  ROSE  start  off  for  BILL  to  door  L. 
BENSON  and  officer  appear  in  doorway  shoving 
SPOOFY.  He  flings  him  into  chair.  SPOOFY  sits 
half  dazed,  his  hands  on  his  head.  BENSON  has 
short  policeman's  club  in  his  hand.  Officer 
stands  R.  OLD  SWEETHEART  rises.) 

BENSON.  Here's  another  one.  Found  him  asleep 
in  the  cellar.  Tried  to  break  away  and  I  tapped  him 
on  the  head  with  this.  (Shows  club,  indicated 
SPOOFY'S  head  ) 


So  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

JIMMIE.  (Indignantly)  You  'it  'im!  (Makes 
a  threatening  move  towards  BENSON.,) 

BRIGGS.     (Shoving  him  back)    Look  out! 

JIMMIE.  'E's  a  pal  of  mine  and  'e  don't  know  wot 
'e's  doin'. 

BRIGGS.    Oh,  he's  a  pal? 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    And  a  very  kind  gentleman. 

BRIGGS.  The  one  that  gave  you  the  diamonds? 
Eh?  (OLD  SWEETHEART  doesn't  answer.  BRIGGS 
to  Miss  WOOFERS .)  Didn't  he  give  her  the  jewels  ? 

Miss  WOOFERS.    No,  sir.  9 

BRIGGS.  (Sharply  to  SPOOFY)  Stand  up!  (SPOOFY 
rises,  staggers  back  as  if  to  fall,  hangs  on  to  chair, 
BENSON  helps  him.)  Search  him!  ^BENSON  does 
so  and  finds  the  jewels.  BRIGGS  takes  them  up  stage 
a  little.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    They're  mine. 

BRIGGS.  I  got  them  from  the  kind  gentleman  this 
time.  (To  SPOOFY  .J  How  did  you  steal  them  out 
of  this  room? 

SPOOFY.     Which  room? 

BRIGGS.    This  room. 

SPOOFY.    I've  never  been  here  before. 

BRIGGS.  Oh,  no,  they  just  walked  out  and  handed 
themselves  over  to  you!  Well,  they're  back  again 
and  this  time  I'll  keep  them.  (Puts  them  in  his 
pocket.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Hif  you  lose  them  again  hi'll 
'old  you  personally  responsible. 

BRIGGS.  (Crosses  to  BENSON )  I  won't  lose  them 
again.  Let  me  know  when  the  van  comes. 

BENSON.  Yes,  sir.  (Exits  c.  door  R.  and  leaves 
door  open.) 

JIMMIE.  (Goes  over  to  SPOOFY,)  Don't  worry, 
old  boy.  They  can't  do  anythink  to  you.  You 
wasn't  responsible. 

SPOOFY.    (Looking  at  JIMMIED    Where  am  I? 


O 

£ 
O 


OL 

£ 
H 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  81 

JIMMIE.    You're  with  your  pals. 

SPOOFY.  (Vaguely)  Pals?  Who  are  these  peo- 
ple? 

BRIGGS.    What  ?    You  don't  know  them  ? 

SPOOFY.  (Puts  his  hand  to  his  head)  I  don't 
seem  to  remember.  I  —  I  -  (Collapses.) 

JIMMIE.  Look  out  there!  (Quickly  goes  to 
SPOOFYJ 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  The  kind  gentleman's  fainted. 
Hi'll  fetch  some  water.  (Crosses  to  L.,  enters  the 
kitchen,  gets  glass  of  water.) 

BRIGGS.  (Goes  up  to  SPOOFY,  sees  he  has  col- 
lapsed)  Help  me  get  in  here. 

(BRIGGS,  JIMMIE  and  OFFICER  help  SPOOFY  off  down 
R.  Miss  WOOFERS  exits  with  them.  OLD 
SWEETHEART  comes  with  water  from  kitchen. 
ROSE  goes  to  front  of  table,  as  they  carry 
SPOOFY  off.) 

JIMMIE.  (To  BRIGGS^  It's  all  your  fault,  you  big 
bulliphant. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  (To  ROSE  crossing  to  door  R.) 
It's  a  shyme!  'Itting  the  poorr  gentleman  over  the 
'ead  with  a  club  !  Mybe  it'll  make  'im  forget  'e  myde 
me  a  present  of  the  jewels.  (Exits  down  R.) 

(RosE  crosses  L.  to  R.    BILL  and  BOLTON  enter  door 
L.    ROSE  crosses  L.  to 


ROSE.  (Tensely)  They  found  Spoofy.  He's  in 
there.  He  had  the  jewels  on  him. 

BILL.    What? 

BOLTON.  (Crosses  to  BILL  and  ROSE)  You  mean 
they've  got  one  of  your  gang  with  the  goods  on 
him? 

BILL.    I  tell  you  there  is  no  gang. 


82  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

ROSE.  (To  BOLTONJ  Those  jewels  were  taken 
by  a  poor  fellow  suffering  from  shell-shock, 

BOLTON.    Shell-shock  ? 

BILL.  Yes.  He's  not  responsible.  He  doesn't 
know  what  he's  doing.  (Turns  to  R.  as  if  to  go.) 

BOLTON.  (Grabs  him  by  the  arm)  Are  you  sure 
you  didn't  have  a  hand  in  the  robbery  ? 

ROSE.    Of  course  not! 

BOLTON.  If  you're  telling  the  truth,  you've  got 
a  good  chance  to  beat  this  case. 

BILL.  Then  for  heaven's  sake,  will  you  stay  and 
help  us  straighten  this  thing  out? 

BOLTON.     (Up  stage  L.)    I'll  do  anything  7  can. 

BILL.  (To  ROSE,)  We've  got  a  chance,  Rose — a 
chance  for  happiness — and  we'll  fight  this  thing 
through. 

ROSE.  And  we're  going  to  win — because  we're 
right. 

(Enter  JIMMIE — door  R.) 

JIMMIE.  (Crosses  to  ROSE  and  BILL)  Some- 
thing 'as  'appened  to  'is  'ead.  'E's  talking  sensible. 
(Goes  up  R.J 

BILL.  (Ross  and  BILL  up  R.  a  little)  You  mean 
he's  all  right  now?  (BOLTON  comes  down.) 

JIMMIE.  (Comes  down)  Bli'me,  no!  He's  all 
wrong.  Just  when  he  should  stye  cryzy,  damned  if 
'e  don't  get  'is  brynes  back  again.  (Up  stage  R.  and 
back.) 

ROSE.    (Crosses  to  JIMMIED    What  do  you  mean? 

JIMMIE.    Can't  you  see  the  mess  'e'll  get  us  into? 

ROSE.    In  what  way? 

JIMMIE.  Do  you  think  a  British  jury  will  believe 
'e  was  cryzy  when  'e  pinched  the  jewels,  and  not 
cryzy  after  'e  got  'em?  (Pause.  BILL  turns  up 
stage.) 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  83 

BOLTON.  (To  BILL,)  If  you  aren't  mixed  up  fa 
this  thing,  you  can  prove  an  alibi.  Where  were  you 
last  night? 

JIMMIE.    Bill  and  I  never  left  the  'ouse. 

BOLTON.  (To  ROSE)  Were  you  in  the  house,  too, 
Miss? 

BILL.  (Crosses  to  ROSE)  My  George !  You  told 
the  detective  you  were  in  front  of  the  house  when 
the  robbery  occurred.  (JIMMIE  crosses  to  R.J 

BOLTON.  (To  ROSE,)  You  made  an  admission  as 
damaging  as  that? 

ROSE.    I  told  him  the  truth. 

BOLTON.  Well,  to  be  perfectly  frank,  it  looks 
mighty  strange,  and  I  don't  know  what  to  think. 
(Crosses  to  L.  a  little.) 

JIMMIE.  And  another  thing,  Bill,  when  that  took 
came  'ere,  Old  Sweetheart  was  wearing  the  jewels. 

BOLTON.    Old  Sweetheart? 

JIMMIE.    Oh!    That's  my  step-mother. 

BOLTON.  (Crosses  to  BILL,  hand  on  shoulder) 
I'm  afraid  you'll  spend  a  long  time  there,  before  you 
spend  any  of  that  money  in  America. 

JIMMIE.  Bly'me,  'ere's  a  mess!  What  are  we 
goin'  to  do? 

BILL.  There's  only  one  thing  to  do.  Tell  the 
truth.  ("JiMMiE  goes  up  stage.) 

BOLTON.  Do  you  think  they'll  believe  you?  (Up 
stage,  crosses  to  R.,  stays  up  stage.) 

ROSE.    (To  BiLLj    They  must  believe  you ! 

(Enter  OLD  SWEETHEART  ;  goes  to  back  of  chair  R. ) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  The  poor  gentleman  ayn't  in 
no  fit  state  to  be  answerin*  questions.  It's  a  hout- 
rage.  The  wye  'e's  treatin'  'im. 

BRIGGS.  (Enters)  Come  on,  get  in  here.  Qujf 
your  shamming.  (Brings  SPOOFY,  throws  Mm  to 


84  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

JIMMIE,  who  passes  him  on  to  BILL,  who  sits  him 
in  chair  L.  Miss  WOOFERS  follows,  stays  up  stage  R. 
OLD  SWEETHEART  goes  down  R.  To  JIMMIED  Try- 
ing to  frame  up  a  new  kind  of  alibi  ?  You  claim  he 
was  suffering  from  shell-shock  when  he  robbed  the 
house.  Shell-shock,  hell!  You'll  have  to  think  up 
a  better  one  than  that.  (By  this  time  all,  except 
BRIGGS,  OLD  SWEETHEART,  JIMMIE  and  Miss  WOOF- 
ERS are  grouped  together  over  at  L.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.    I  wants  a  lawyer! 

BRIGGS.    Better  get  a  good  lawyer! 

(Enter  BENSON  c.  door  Rj 
BENSON.    This  way,  my  Lady ! 

(Enter  LADY  LEICESTER.     Comes  down  R.    JIMMIE 
crosses  to  L.   BENSON  exits,  leaves  door  open.) 

BRIGGS.  (Moves  chair  up  R.J  Thank  you  for 
coming,  Lady  Leicester.  I  sent  for  you  to  be  sure 
I  wasn't  making  any  mistake. 

LADY  LEICESTER.  Thank  you  for  returning  my 
baby  so  soon.  I  am  very  grateful. 

BRIGGS.  (As  he  takes  jewels  from  his  pocket.) 
I  sent  the  child  as  soon  as  I  found  him.  (Holds  out 
jewels.)  Does  your  ladyship  recognize  them? 

LADY  LEICESTER.  Yes.  ^BRIGGS  gives  her  jewels, 
she  puts  them  in  bag.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  was  tykin'  very  good  care 
of  them  for  your  ladyship. 

LADY  LEICESTER.    Thank  you  very  much. 

BRIGGS.  Don't  thank  her.  Will  you  please  look 
at  these  people  and  tell  me  if  you've  ever  seen  any 
one  of  them  before?  ("LADY  LEICESTER  looks  down 
the  line — gives  a  start  as  she  sees  SPOOFY.  Stops.) 


THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS  85 

LADY  LEICESTER.  Why — they  reported  you — 
dead! 

SPOOFY.    Dead ? 

LADY  LEICESTER.  (Crosses  to  SPOOFY,  quickly) 
But  you're  not — you're  not !  Where  have  you  been  ? 
What  happened  ?  How  did  you  get  here  ? 

SPOOFY.    (Rises)    How  did  I  get  here  ? 

JIMMIE.  (Goes  toward  SPOOFY )  We  brought 
you  'ere — don't  you  remember?  Took  you  out  of 
the  prison  camp. 

BILL.  (Coming  down)  Spoofy — don't  you  know 
us  ?  Spoofy ! 

SPOOFY.  (Still  trying  hard  to  remember)  Prison 

camp ?  (Recollection  begins  to  return.)  Yes — 

I  remember — we  went  over  the  top — I  fell — then 

the  prison  camp.  Why,  you  were  there (Points 

to  JIMMIED 

JIMMIE.    He  knows  me! 

SPOOFY.    And  you  were  there !    (Points  to  BILL.,) 

BILL.    Yes,  we  were  there  long  before  you. 

SPOOFY.  We  escaped — you  chaps  helped — saved 
me!  Why,  I  remember.  (LADY  LEICESTER  moves 
towards  him.  He  slowly  goes  towards  her  and  takes 
her  in  his  arms.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  They  do  seem  to  know  each 
other ! 

JIMMIE.    Very  well,  I  should  sye. 

SPOOFY.  Jimmie — Bill!  (Takes  their  hands. 
Miss  WOOFERS  crosses  to  JIMMIED 

BRIGGS.  (To  audience  and  all  in  general)  Well, 
this  is  a  new  one  on  me!  Robbed  his  own  safe — 
and  took  his  old  child  out  for  an  airing.  (BoLTON 
laughs.)  Come  on,  Bolton.  I  want  to  get  out  of 
here.  (Getting  hat  from  rack.)  We'll  fix  up  that 
reward. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  I  clymes  it!  (Crosses  to 
BRIGGS  and  BOLTON  J 


86  THREE  LIVE  GHOSTS 

BOLTON.  We'll  thrash  that  out  later  on.  (Exit 
BOLTON  c.  door  R.) 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  We'll  thrash  it  out  nowl 
(Shoots  this  at  BOLTON  as  he  exits.) 

BRIGGS.  I've  thrashed  out  quite  enough  for  one 
day.  We'll  divide  that  thousand  pounds — 'alf  and 
'alf. 

OLD  SWEETHEART.  Send  my  six  'undred  in  the 
morning. 

BRIGGS.    Six ! 

CURTAIN 


TWEEDLES 

Comedy  in  $  acts,  by  Booth  Tarkington  and  Harry  Leon 
Wilson.  5  males,  4  females.  1  interior.  Costumes,  modern* 
Plays  2l/2  hours. 

Julian,  scion  of  the  blue-blooded  Castleburys,  falls  in  love  with 
Winsora  Tweedle,  daughter  of  the  oldest  family  in  a  Maine  village. 
The  Tweedles  esteem  the  name  because  it  has  been  rooted  in 
the  community  for  200  years,  and  they  look  down  on  "summer 
people"  v/ith  the  vigor  that  orly  "summer  boarder"  communities 
know. 

The  Castleburys  are  aghast  at  the  possibility  of  a  match,  and 
call  on  the  Tweedles  to  urge  how  impossible  such  an  alliance  would 
be.  Mr.  Castlebury  laboriously  explains  the  barrier  of  social 
caste,  and  the  elder  Tweedle  takes  it  that  these  unimportant 
Bummer  folk  are  terrified  at  the  social  eminence  of  the  Tweedles. 

Tweedle  generously  agrees  to  co-operate  with  the  Castleburya 
to  prevent  the  match.  But  Winsora  brings  her  father  to  realize 
that  in  reality  the  Castleburys  look  upon  them  as  inferiors.  The 
old  man  is  infuriated,  and  threatens  vengeance,  but  is  checkmated 
•when  Julian  unearths  a  number  of  family  skeletons  and  arguea 
that  father  isn't  a  Tweedle,  since  the  blood  has  been  so  diluted 
that  little  remains.  Also,  Winsora  takes  the  matter  into  her  own 
hands  and  outfaces  the  old  man.  So  the  youngsters  go  forth 
triumphant.  "Tweedles"  is  Booth  Tarkington  at  his  best. 
(Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)  Price,  75  Cents, 


JUST  SUPPOSE 

A  whimsical  comedy  in  3  acts,  by  A.  E.  Thomas,  author 
Of  "Her  Husband's  Wife/'  "Come  Out  of  the  Kitchen/' 
etc.  6  males,  2  females.  1  interior,  1  exterior.  Costumes, 
modern.  Plays  2*4  hours. 

It  was  rumored  that  during  his  last  visit  the  Prince  of  Wales 
appeared  for  a  brief  spell  under  an  assumed  name  somewhere  in. 
Virginia.  It  is  on  this  story  that  A.  E.  Thomas  based  "Just 
Suppose."  The  theme  is  handled  in  an  original  manner.  Linda 
Lee  Stafford  meets  cue  George  Shipley  (in  reality  is  the  Prince 
of  Wales).  It  is  a  case  of  love  at  first  sight,  but,  alas,  princes 
cannot  select  their  mates  and  thereby  hangs  a  tale  which  Mr. 
Thomas  has  woven  with  infinite  charm.  The  atmosphere  of  the 
South  with  its  chivalry  dominates  the  story,  touching  in  it* 
sentiment  and  lightened  here  and  there  with  delightful  comedy. 
"Just  Suppose"  scored  a  big  hit  at  the  Henry  Miller  Theatre, 
New  York,  with  Patricia  Collinge.  (Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.) 

Price,  75  Cents. 

SAMUEL  FRENCH,  25  West  45th  Street,  New  York  City 
Hew  and  Explicit  Descriptive  Catalogue  Mailed  Free  on  Seqnest 


MRS.  WIGGS  OF  THE 
CABBAGE  PATCH 

Dramatization  in  3  acts,  by  Anne  Crawford  Flexner  from 
the  novel  by  Alice  Hegan  Bice.  15  males,  11  females. 

1  interior,  1  exterior.    Costumes  modern  and  rustic.    Plays 
a  full  evening. 

A  capital  dramatization  of  the  ever-beloved  Mrs.  "Wiggs  and 
Tier  friends,  people  who  have  entered  the  hearts  and  minds  of  a 
nation.  Mrs.  Schultz  and  Lovey  Mary,  the  pessimistic  Miss  Hazy 
and  the  others  need  no  new  introduction.  Here  is  characteriza- 
tion, humor,  pathos,  and  what  is  best  and  most  appealing  in 
modern  American  life.  The  amateur  acting  rights  are  reserved 
for  the  present  in  all  cities  and  towns  where  there  are  stock 
companies.  Royalty  will  be  quoted  on  application  for  those  cities 
and  towns  where  it  may  be  presented  by  amateurs. 

Price,  75  Cents. 

THE  FOUR-FLUSHER 

Comedy  in  3  acts.    By  Caesar  Dunn.    8  males,  5  females. 

2  interiors.    Modern  costumes.    Plays  2%  hours. 

A  comedy  of  hustling  American  youth,  "The  Four-Flusher"  is 
one  of  those  clean  and  bright  plays  which  reveal  the  most  appeal* 
Sng  characteristics  of  our  native  types.  Here  is  an  amusing  story 
of  a  young  shoe  clerk  who  through  cleverness,  personality,  and 
plenty  of  wholesome  faith  in  himself,  becomes  a  millionaire.  The 
play  is  best  described  as  "breezy."  It  is  full  of  human  touches, 
and  develops  a  most  interesting  story.  It  may  be  whole-heartedly 
recommended  to  high  schools,  (Royalty,  twenty -five  dollars.) 

Price,  75  Cents. 

PALS  FIRST 

Comedy  in  a  prologue  and  3  acts.  By  Lee  Wilson  Dodd. 
8  males,  3  females.  1  interior,  1  exterior.  Modern  cos- 
tumes. Plays  2*&  hours. 

Based  on  the  successful  novel  of  the  same  name  by  F.  P. 
Elliott,  "Pals  First"  is  a  decidedly  picturesque  mystery  play. 
Danny  and  the  Dominie,  a  pair  of  tramps,  enter  a  mansion  and 
persuade  the  servants  and  friends  that  they  belong  there.  They 
are  not  altogether  wrong,  though  it  requires  ttye  intervention  of 
ft  judge,  two  detectives,  a  villain  and  an  attractive  girl  to  un- 
tangle the  complications.  A  most  ingenious  play,  well  adapted 
to  performance  by  high  schools  and  colleges.  (Royalty,  twenty- 
five  dollars.)  Price,  75  Cent*, 

SAMUEL  FRENCH,  25  West  45th  Street,  New  York  City 
Hew  and  Explicit  Descriptive  Catalogue  Mailed  Free  on 


ARE  YOU  A  MASON? 

Itaee  In  8  aets.    By  Leo  Ditrichstein.    7  males,  7 
Modern  costumes.    Plays  2*4  hours.    1  interior. 


"Are  You  a  Mason!"  is  one  of  those  delightful  farces  lik£ 
"Charley's  Aunt"  that  are  always  fresh.  "A  mother  and  e 
daughter,"  says  the  critic  of  the  New  York  Herald,  "had  huff- 
"bands  who  account  for  absences  from  the  joint  household  OB 
frequent  evenings,  falsely  pretending  to  be  Masons.  The  men 
do  not  know  each  other's  duplicity,  and  each  tells  his  wife  of 
having  advanced  to  leadership  in  his  lodge.  The  older  woman 
tras  so  well  pleased  with  her  husband's  supposed  distinction  in 
the  order  that  she  made  him  promise  to  put  up  the  name  of  a 
Visiting  friend  for  membership.  Further  perplexity  over  the 
principal  liar  arose  when  a  suitor  for  his  second  daughter's  hand 
proved  to  be  a  real  Mason.  ...  To  tell  the  story  of  the  play 
teould  require  volumes,  its  complications  are  so  numerous.  It  If 
a  house  of  cards.  One  card  wrongly  placed  and  the  whole  thing 
would  collapse.  But  it  stands,  an  example  of  remarkable  in- 
genuity. You  wonder  at  the  end  of  the  first  act  how  the  faa 
can  be  kept  up  on  such  a  slender  foundation.  But  it  continue! 
and  grows  to  the  last  curtain."  One  of  the  most  hilariously 
amusing  farces  ever  written,  especially  suited  to  schools  anfi 
Masonic  Lodges.  (Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)  Price,  75 


KEMPY 

A*  delightful  comedy  in  3  acts.  By  J0  Co  Nugent  anj 
Elliott  Nugent.  4  males,  4  females.  1  interior  throughout* 
Costumes,  modern.  Plays  2%  hours. 

No  wonder  "Kempy"  has  been  such  a  tremendous  hit  In  Neff 
York,  Chicago  —  wherever  it  has  played.  It  snaps  with  wit  anfi 
humor  of  the  most  delightful  kind.  It's  electric.  It's  small« 
town  folk  perfectly  pictured.  Full  of  types  of  varied  sorts,  eacfe 
one  done  to  a  turn  and  served  with  zestful  sauce.  An  ideafi 
entertainment  for  amusement  purposes.  The  story  is  about  a  higbf 
falutin'  daughter  who  in  a  fit  of  pique  marries  the  young  plumbef** 
architect,  who  comes  to  fix  the  water  pipes,  just  because  ht 
"understands"  her,  having  read  her  book  and  having  sworn  te 
marry  the  authoress.  But  In  that  story  lies  all  the  humor  thai 
kept  the  audience  laughing  every  second  of  every  act.  Of  eourst 
there  are  lots  of  ramifications,  each  of  which  bears  its  own  braa& 
of  laughter-making  potentials.  But  the  plot  and  the  story  &J9 
not  the  main  things.  There  Is,  for  instance,  the  work  of  tfc© 
company.  The  fun  growing  out  of  this  family  mizup  is  lively  ani 
•lean.  (Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)  Price,  75 


SAMUEL  FRENCH,  25  West  45th  Street,  New  York  City 
ffev  .and  Explicit  Descriptive  Catalogs  Mailed  Free  on 


FRENCH'S 
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George   M.    Cohan 
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Includes  Plays  by 

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Catherine  Chisholm  Cushing  J.  C.  and  Elliott  Nugent 
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French's    International    Copyrighted    Edition    contains    plays,    comedi* 

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by    famous    American    and    English    Authors. 


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